Unanswered Questions
by DeadPigeon
Summary: Some questions are not meant to be answered.  And when they are...
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Questions are left unanswered for many different reasons. Politicians refuse to answer  
>questions so that they may hide their intentions; lawyers refuse to answer because of<br>ongoing litigation, and criminals refuse to answer to avoid incrimination. And then,  
>there are those who refuse to answer because they are trying to hide the answer from<br>themselves. Richard Castle spent his entire career avoiding one question. Asked during  
>many an interview, it was the same question once asked by friend…<p>

Kate: "You still haven't told me. Where does your fascination with murder come from?"

…and once by foe.

Jerry: "You're drawn to death. It thrills you. Now where does that come from?"

Responding with stories and silence, he kept the answer hidden for twenty eight years,  
>until a warm spring day in June when he walked into the 12th and found it posted on<br>the murder board for everyone to see.


	2. Internal Clocks

**Internal Clocks**

It had been five days since he completed his fourth Nikki Heat novel, four days since  
>he'd turned it in to his publisher, three days since Gina called about rewrites on the<br>final chapters, two days since he'd been awake for twenty-four hours making the  
>corrections and one day since he'd awaken from sixteen hours of much needed sleep.<p>

Forcing open a sleep crusted eye to focus in on the green glowing numbers that greeted  
>him every morning, he was hoping to have a few minutes before he had to get up.<p>

"Shit!"

10:10 was glaring back at him from his nightstand. He'd wanted to be at the precinct  
>early that morning. It was his first day back since his self imposed isolation.<p>

"Shit, shit, shit!"

Throwing off the covers, he was up in an instant stumbling towards the master bath.  
>He yanked open the shower door and twisted the hot water knob till the water came<br>blasting out of the showerhead. As the water heated, he pulled off his t-shirt and  
>boxers and then turned to the sink to hastily brush his teeth.<p>

One task accomplished he turned back to the shower and adjusted the water  
>temperature before stepping inside. He let the hot torrent pelt him in the face as<br>he waited for his brain to finally catch up to his body. As clarity returned, he could  
>only berate himself for not setting his alarm; which was ridiculous, because ever<br>since Alexis had started school he'd been waking up at six o'clock every morning for  
>the past twelve years without one. Only on weekends, vacations and holidays could<br>he choose to turn over and go back to sleep.

Why didn't he wake up this morning? Had he woken up? He couldn't remember. Was  
>this what happened when you reached middle age? It must be. He'd turned forty and<br>his internal clock must have slowed. Where once it had been wound taunt by the vim  
>and vigor of youth, it must now be unwinding as his body aged and forced him<br>towards the inevitable. He didn't feel any different. He still felt twenty five. Only when  
>he looked at his daughter did he feel old. Crap! He looked at her everyday! Maybe it<br>was a good thing she was going away to college. He could regain his youth and…aw  
>who the fuck was he kidding. He turned the knobs on the shower wall fiercely to the<br>right and ended his half ass attempt with the soap and shampoo. He wanted his  
>morrning back. He wanted his youth back. He wanted his hair to be dry. He wanted<br>to be dressed and gone.

He wanted to be with her.


	3. Life Mocks

**Life Mocks**

Kate was pissed. Two hours of her Friday morning had passed without her getting a  
>damn thing done. She had been waiting. Why the hell had she been waiting? And why<br>did she suddenly feel fifteen again? Oh yeah…it was the last time she'd put her life on  
>hold for someone.<p>

That someone had been Jimmy Mattson, the cute boy who sat on the opposite side of  
>her algebra class. He had passed a note across the room asking if he could call her after<br>school. She had passed back her phone number, and the waiting began. The wait for  
>school to end and for her bus ride to begin. The wait on the bus as it stopped on nearly<br>every street corner to let someone off. The wait while her mother talked to her father on  
>the phone. He was going to be working late again. She didn't care; she just wanted them<br>to get off the phone.

She spent most of the evening and well into the night wondering what awful fate had  
>befallen him so that he couldn't call. She found out the next day. It was because he went<br>to his best friend's house to play the newly released Mortal Kombat II and forgot to call.  
>"Sorry," he said. Sorry. She'd wasted a third of her day waiting and even worrying about<br>him and oops, he was sorry. "Can I call you today?" He had the gall to ask as the bell  
>rang. "Don't bother," she replied. By the end of class she had buried her heart deep<br>in her chest and never, ever wore it on her sleeve again.

God, If she hadn't been such a girl back then she'd of busted him on his ass and made  
>him eat his…Oh, what the hell did it matter now. This time it wasn't some boy, it was Castle,<br>and technically it wasn't a note, it was a text message. She picked up her phone, pulled up  
>the text and read it one more time.<p>

_Story done. Rewrites done. I'm done! Exhausted, but happy it's finished. See you in the AM._

She'd felt like such a fool back then and now, here she was eighteen years later, feeling like  
>a fool once again. Slamming the phone down on her desk, she choked down her self<br>deprecating anger and got to work.

When he finally arrived; two friggen hours later…he looked like hell.


	4. Fate Knocks

**Fate Knocks**

Of all the cabs in all of New York, he had to go and flag down the one from hell!  
>Castle grew irate as he sweltered in the back seat of the only cab in the city without<br>air conditioning. There were numerous ways to get from his loft to the precinct, and  
>he could swear to God the driver was purposely choosing a combination of streets<br>that ensured the slowest possible route. The bastard was padding the meter! He  
>had never spent more than twenty minutes max on the road whenever he took a<br>cab to the 12th. Today, twenty nine minutes later and ten blocks still to go, his  
>simmering anger only served to exacerbate the temperature inside the car. Two<br>minutes and eight blocks later the driver pulled to the curb.

"We here," the man said in a thick eastern European accent.

"No, we there," Castle mocked as he pointed down the road.

"We here," the man repeated.

"Fine!" Walking had to be cooler than remaining in a damn sauna arguing over  
>the last two blocks. Then meter displayed $64.60. He pulled a sweaty wad of<br>cash from the front pocket of the jeans that were now clinging to his legs. He  
>separated three twenties and a five from the wad and passed them through the<br>small hole in the wire cage partition that separated the front seat from the back.  
>Fuck the tip! The normally generous Richard Castle wasn't about to tip a man who<br>had literally just taken him for a ride.

He could hear the driver muttering something angrily in his native tongue as he exited  
>the back seat. He just glared back at the man and slammed the door. Still seething, it<br>took all the self control he had to keep himself from flipping off the driver as he walked  
>away.<p>

….

Castle removed his blazer and let it drop to the elevator floor. He closed his eyes and  
>rested his damp back against the cool elevator wall. Strangely, the walk had managed<br>to wick the dampness from his jeans but had relocate it to his shirt. He pulled at the  
>front of his dress shirt, trying desperately to circulate enough air to keep it from<br>clinging to his skin. He was just beginning to succeed when the door dinged opened  
>at his floor. Picking up his jacket, he stepped into the bullpen. Why, he wondered as<br>he walked towards her desk, did he feel like he was taking the walk of shame? Can't a  
>man oversleep for once in his life without having to explain himself? Why did he<br>suddenly feel like he was married? All of the guilt and none of the sex, his day couldn't  
>possibly get any worse.<p>

Kate could feel the heat radiate off Castle's body as he dropped heavily into his chair.  
>He looked like hell.<p>

"Hey." His voice had the raspy throaty sound of a sixty year old woman who'd been  
>smoking for forty years. The sound surprised even him, and he tried to cough it away.<p>

"Rough night?" She asked smugly.

He knew what she was trying to imply, but he was too hot and frustrated to invest any  
>time in a conversation trying to defend his actions. So he just told her the truth and as<br>far as he was concerned she could take it or leave it.

"No, rough morning. I overslept and then took a cab ride with Satan through the burning  
>pit of hell." He leaned onto the right armrest of his chair and rubbed his temple as he<br>supported his head with his hand. The heat had given him a headache.

Kate examined him closely as he sat there, head in hand with his eyes closed. Where was  
>his smart ass retort? Where was the jovial banter that he always used to deflect her<br>accusations? Where was the Richard Castle she knew and…? She hastily replaced the word  
>before it made an appearance. Missed? The usual half moon under his right eye was more<br>pronounced and it was now joined by a twin that appeared under his left. His normally well  
>coiffed hair was flat and plastered to the back of his neck with sweat. And his clothes…what<br>was going on there? The white dress shirt was fine, hell it was more than fine. The damp  
>shirt clinging to his chest left little to her imagination, but his black jeans were old and one<br>of the knees was almost worn through with wear. A brown belt, brown loafers and a grey-  
>green tweed blazer lying in his lap finished off his mismatched ensemble.<p>

"Castle? What are you wearing?"

"What do you care?" He mumbled back at her, never opening his eyes.

She had missed something. "Your socks don't match."

He opened his eyes and looked down at his feet that were kicked out in front of him. One  
>blue sock and one black sock glared back at him. He looked at the rest of his clothes and<br>sighed. He turned his head and his tired eyes met hers.

"I think I've become that weird old guy in the park who dresses funny."

Five minutes ago she wanted to hit him and now…she wanted to hug him. Wait, what! When  
>had she erased the imaginary line she'd drawn between them? She had to draw it back. She<br>needed to talk about something else. She had to take her focus, and her eyes, off of him.

"Can I get you something for your headache?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

The look her gave her was so forlorn that it made her heart leap from her chest and reattach  
>itself to her sleeve. Damn it!…what was Richard Castle doing in her tenth grade algebra class?<br>What the hell was she doing in her algebra class? What the hell just happened? She leapt up  
>out of her chair and made a bee line for the break room before all her ramparts crumbled.<p>

She returned a minute later with a bottle of water and two aspirins. He threw back the pills and  
>chugged down half of the sixteen ounces by the time she had settled back into her chair.<p>

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. You know, if you're not feeling up to it, you can go home."

"Home? Home is the last place I want to be." I just want to be with you, is what he wanted to say.  
>" I've been a prisoner there the past five days; another cab ride from hell sounds better than going<br>home. Besides," the sheepish little grin that always managed to fluster her crept across his lips.  
>"…I missed you."<p>

"Yeah, well…" Well what? Her mind went blank. Her snappy retorts failed her. Say something,  
>he's waiting. "…I missed you too." The brain of fifteen year old Kate Beckett suddenly emerged<br>and took control of her thirty four year old heart. Castle's smile grew larger and her heart beat  
>faster. Detective Beckett quickly reasserted herself.<p>

"You haven't missed much around here though. A couple of open and shuts have been all we've  
>caught this week."<p>

"Oh yeah, so what's that then?" He nodded towards the murder board. It was filled with writing,  
>taped up papers and a lone photo in the upper right hand corner.<p>

"Oh that. It's a case we've been working on since Wednesday."

"Maybe I can help, what's…" He was making a move to get up when Kate caught his arm.

"Castle…"

He sat on the edge of his chair and looked at her hand, it was still holding tightly to his arm.

"What? What is it?" He asked.

"You don't want in on this one."

"Why not?"

"The vic is a kid."

"Oh." He leaned back into his chair with a pensive look on his face. The last time they'd worked  
>a child's murder had been almost two years ago.<p>

"I remember what a hard time you had with the Sandra Carson case and I didn't want to involve  
>you in this one. We usually don't get these cases, but Montgomery's not here to…" She couldn't finish.<p>

"He's not here to what, Kate?"

"After we solved Sandra's murder, the Captain requested that dispatch route any future murders  
>involving children on to other detectives."<p>

She watched him struggle with his emotions. She was having the same problem. They all did  
>whenever the Captain came up in conversation.<p>

"Why didn't he tell me?" She knew he wasn't really asking her, just wondering aloud, but she was  
>expecting the next question when it came.<p>

He looked her squarely in the eye. "Why didn't you?"

"I only found out a few months before…" She couldn't say it. "…before the hangar." She managed the  
>reference. "And afterwards, it just didn't matter anymore."<p>

He reached out across Kate's desk and grasped her left hand in his. "Thank you."

"For what?" She didn't try to pull away.

"For protecting me."

"Oh." She felt herself blush.

He gave her hand a squeeze before letting go. He wanted to hold on to it forever.

"Let me help Kate. I can deal with it."

"Yeah, well you shouldn't _have_ to deal with it, no one should."

"So," he said, standing to face the murder board. "Give me a quick run down."

As she explained the case his eyes lingered on the innocent face posted in the corner. He didn't hear  
>much of what she was saying. The words "theater district" piqued his interest though.<p>

"What was that about the theater district?"

"I said that's where his body was found, it was in a dumpster in an alley behind the theater district.  
>He was a child actor and he had a small part in an off Broadway production that was scheduled to<br>open next week."

"Any suspects?"

"A few. We ran the records of everyone associated with the play and we've gotten hits on three  
>people with sexual assault complaints or convictions."<p>

"Sexual assault?" He turned towards her.

"Tests aren't back yet, but Lanie's sure he was assaulted before he was killed."

"Oh." The look on his face said what he couldn't.

"You can still go Castle; I won't think less of you for leaving."

He just clenched his jaw and turned back to the board. "I'm staying."

"So where are the suspect pics?"

"That's what I'm wondering myself." She looked over at Ryan and Esposito; they had been  
>dutifully trying to avoid the confrontation that never came to fruition. She picked up a pen off<br>her desk and flung in their direction. She succeeded in pegging Ryan in the back of his head.  
>One look at the peeved expression on her face had them hurrying over.<p>

"Where's the suspect pics?" She demanded as she joined Castle at the murder board. Ryan  
>did a quick one-eighty and headed back to his desk.<p>

"What do you got for me?" Her attention landed on Esposito by default.

He pulled a small notebook out of the back pocket of his khakis and began to read off the litany  
>of facts he'd gleaned from the suspects records.<p>

"We got one George Oswalt, age 34, stagehand. Convicted in 2005 of domestic abuse and the  
>sexual assault of his girlfriend Angela Wells, sentenced to a nickel, he was out in two."<p>

Ryan had return and was hastily trying to post each pic. Oswalt's face went up as Esposito move  
>on to the next.<p>

"Arturo Forino 50, janitor, unlawful contact with a minor in 1990, one Juanita Gonzales age 15.  
>Parents gave Juanita to Mr. Forino in exchange for two thousand dollars. Parents claimed it was<br>"an arranged marriage", the judge called it human trafficking. Forino served a dime for his part."

Forino's picture went up next to Oswalts.

"The last guy's more of a blip on the suspect radar. Marcus Fournier 74, casting director. Got a  
>complaint filed on him back in 1989. One Dorothy Meyers filed a complaint stating that Mr. Fournier<br>had inappropriately touched her son, James Meyers, age 12. The boy wouldn't talk and it said in  
>the file that they moved back to her parent's home in Vermont two months later. There was no<br>follow up."

His picture went up next to Forino's.

Thump!

A half emptied water bottle hit the floor and they all looked down in time to watch as the water  
>slosh from bottom to top, bottom to top and emptied itself onto the toe of Castle's shoe.<br>Kate noticed his body wavering as her eyes traveled from his toe up to his face.

"Castle?" She put out a hand to steady him but Esposito already had a hand on his arm.

"Dude?"

Castle jerked his arm away and turned so fast on his unsteady feet that he stumbled back into  
>the murder board. His hand flew up to steady…what, the board, himself? They couldn't tell.<br>What they could tell was that the man before them was in distress. He looked like a perp trapped  
>in a corner with nowhere to run.<p>

Luckily for Castle, there was no corner and he did have somewhere to run. He took off down the  
>hall and headed straight into the bathroom. All they could do was watch…and they watched as<br>Detective Jackson bolted out of the men's room ten seconds later struggling to zip up his pants.  
>He was still trying to zip up when he felt the three pairs of eyes staring at him.<p>

"What's wrong with Castle?" He yelled over to the staring trio. "He's in there puking his guts out.

* * *

><p><em>Authors note: Yes, this story is set sometime during the fourth year, Kate has recovered from the shooting. I plan to avoid introducing a new captain since I have nothing to work with.<em>

_Fun Stuff: The first person that finds the SMK reference in this story wins...my applause!_


	5. Time Stops

**Time Stops**

Detective Jackson walked back to his desk and Kate turned her gaze to linger on Ryan  
>and Esposito. Why were they still standing there? Her gaze quickly became a glare.<p>

"What?" Ryan replied to her look.

"Aren't one of you gonna go check on him?

Esposito gave a small snort of laughter. "You're kiddin', right?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

"Sorry Beckett, I don't do puke."

She looked to Ryan.

"Me neither."

"He's you're friend."

It's a guy thing, he'll understand." Esposito shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal

"A guy thing?"

"Yeah, guys can't handle anything gross like puke or…"

"…or diapers." Ryan added in.

"Yeah, diapers."

"…or dog poop."

"Dog poop, that's a good one."

"…or that place behind the toilet."

"The what?" Esposito was thrown by that one.

"The place behind the toilet, you know in the bathroom, where all the nasty stuff seems  
>to wind up."<p>

"Dude, if you cleaned it every week it wouldn't get nasty."

"I have a maid that comes once a month."

"Once a month is not enough…"

Kate shook her head; she had lost control of the class. "Would you two zip it! Jeez, you're  
>like a couple of old yenta's going on and on about nothing!"<p>

They were startled into silence by her outburst. And there they all stood, looking at one another

"Fine! I'll go. You ladies…just get back to work." She waved them away in frustration.

As she trudged off down the hallway she could hear their banter pick up where it had left  
>off and she could only shake her head. Arriving outside the bathroom door, she took a<br>moment to listen before she went barging in. She heard a toilet flush and she waited until  
>she heard water running in the sink before she slowly pushed the door open enough so<br>that she could peek inside. She saw him hunched over the sink. Pushing the door completely  
>open, she went inside. Her heels echoed on the tiled floor and she noticed the slight turn of<br>his head towards her.

"You ok?" She asked as she took a few more tentative steps forward.

He spit a mouthful of water into the sink before responding quietly.

"Yeah."

He filled his hands and splashed the cool water onto his face. As he filled them again, she  
>walked over to the paper towel dispenser and levered out some paper. When she had<br>enough, she tore it off and brought it over. He was still hunched over the sink; his eyes  
>were closed and droplets of water were slipping off his chin and nose. She placed a<br>concerned hand on his shoulder and offered him the towels. He took them from her and  
>pressed them against his face. Resting his elbows on the counter, he remained there,<br>unmoving, letting the towels do all the work. Her concerned hand remained. A minute  
>later, when he removed the towels and looked back at her through the mirror, she could<br>help but notice the anguished sadness that harried the features of his face.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I think it must have been the Chinese I ate last night." Rubbing a hand across his  
>belly, he turned towards her. "I've been living on take out all week. You'd be proud of me<br>though." He tried to smile. "I now have a Styrofoam temple in my fridge that puts yours to  
>shame."<p>

She smiled back. Even at his worst he always tried to find the humor in a situation.

"Come on," she grabbed his elbow and pulled him towards the door. "I know just what you  
>need." He didn't resist her. He could never resist her.<p>

She led him into the break room and sat him down on the couch. She pushed back on his  
>shoulders. "Lay down." He complied, his eyes never moving from her face. She noticed,<br>but said nothing about the stare.

"Close your eyes."

He complied without protest and he lay there, listening as she moved around the room  
>opening and shutting various cabinets and drawers. Then he heard water at the sink,<br>sloshing and dripping and then all was quiet before her heard her footsteps approaching.  
>He felt something cool and wet being placed on his forehead and across his eyes. His<br>hand reached up automatically. She stopped him and pushed his hand back down.

"It's just a wet towel Castle."

"Oh."

He heard her leave his side again and her footsteps headed across the room. He lifted  
>up a corner of the towel to take a peek. She was standing in front of the soda machine<br>and he watched as she pushed in a dollar…it pushed it back out. She turned it and pushed  
>it in again. It pushed it back out. He could hear her cursing under her breath and he smiled.<br>She held it up, smoothed the corners and tried again. This time it took, whirring and  
>humming its acceptance. She pressed a button and the tinkle of change and the thump<br>of a soda were heard. He quickly dropped the towel back down before she turned his way.  
>Her footsteps drew closer then stopped; a cabinet opened then closed. She made her way<br>back and he heard the scrape of a chair as she pulled one with her to the couch.

'Here." She said.

Pulling the towel from his face, he sat up and twisted round to face her. She was holding out  
>a bottle of Pepto and a can of Sprite.<p>

"Drink these, you'll feel better."

He took the proffered items from her hands and she stood again and began closing the blinds  
>in the room.<p>

"What are you doing?"

"Just giving you some privacy till you're feeling better. Anytime the blinds are closed and the  
>door is shut to this room it's kind of like a 'do not disturb' sign. You can stay in here and you<br>won't be bothered." She finished with the blinds, shut the door and sat back down in the chair.

"Are you going to drink those, or hold them all day?"

"Oh…uh." He couldn't drink one or the other while holding both, so he looked around for a place  
>to set them.<p>

"Gimme." She reached her hand out for the Sprite. He handed her the can and then he twisted the  
>top off the Pepto. He took a large swig from the bottle and grimaced at the taste.<p>

Ugh…I hate this stuff…tastes like chalk."

"I like the flavor." He arched an eyebrow at her comment. "I think it tastes…pink."

"Pink?"

"Yeah." She made a reach for the bottle and he grabbed her hand and held it tight. She saw the  
>pained look had returned to his eyes again.<p>

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For screwing up your morning."

"We all have bad day's Castle; it's not your fault."

She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. And there they remained, holding hands. Neither  
>knew how to let go, neither wanted to let go, but he had to let go; he had to reach for the Sprite<br>she was holding because he really needed to get rid that 'god awful' taste in his mouth. She took  
>Pepto bottle from him in exchange. He quickly polished off the soda and she stood to leave. She<br>picked up the towel that lay abandoned on the sofa and waited for him to lie back down so she  
>could place the cool rag back onto hisforehead. She gently brushed back a few strands of hair<br>that had become trapped under the towel. His scalp tingled at her touch. He then heard her heels  
>and the door as it opened and closed.<p>

He let out the sigh that he'd been holding since she'd entered the men's room, and tried to process  
>everything that had just happened. It was pain and anger, fear and loathing, love and lust all<br>fighting to be the dominant thought in his mind. He focused in on the latter. Her face, her hand,  
>her touch, her face, her hand, her touch, they replayed over and over in his head like a mantra…till<br>they slowly lulled him to sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Authors Note: Yes, I know this chapter is short, but it serves a purpose an needs to be kept separate from what comes next. (cue the foreboding music)<em>


	6. External Shocks

**External Shocks**

She poked her head into the break room to check on him fifteen minutes later. He lay there  
>with one arm thrown back above his head and the other draped across his stomach. With<br>the towel still across his eyes, she couldn't tell if he was awake or asleep until she heard  
>a muffled snore escape past his lips. The sound sent a feeling of warmth through her body,<br>and she wondered how the hell he managed to do that to her, even when he was sleeping.  
>He obviously needed the rest, so she closed the door and went back to her desk.<p>

She returned an hour and a half later amid the grumblings of the other detectives eager for  
>more coffee, or to get at their lunches being held hostage in the fridge. He was still asleep.<br>The towel had either fallen off or was pulled off and lay crumpled on the floor next to the couch.  
>As she stood there watching him sleep, she had to resist the urge to reach out and brush<br>back a lock of hair that rested on his forehead.

She was startled when his hand twitched involuntarily and he mumbled in his sleep. His eyes  
>were darting beneath their lids and his brow became furrowed with a dream he was having.<br>She hated to have to wake him, but the other detectives would become pissed the longer  
>they had to wait, and their ire would transfer to her by proxy.<p>

"Castle?" She spoke barely below a whisper, as if waking someone quietly would make a  
>difference. "Castle?" She increased her volume to a whisper, and even louder when there<br>was still no reaction. "Castle?" Nothing. She would have to shake him. But first…she reached  
>out to brush back the forelock that still tempted her. Her light touch was enough to startle<br>him awake.

The force with which he grabbed her arm and the wild expression in his eyes scared her.  
>He seemed dazed. "Castle!" She tugged at her arm, but he held on with a vise-like grip.<br>"Castle, let go, it hurts!" His eyes focused in on his hand.

"Oh god...," he let go. "…oh god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...I didn't…I'm sorry." Confused, he sat up,  
>leaned back against the couch and ran a hand across his face. When he looked up at her he<br>noticed she was rubbing her arm.

"I hurt you."

"It's nothing Castle, It's my fault I shouldn't have startled you."

The way she held her arm he didn't believe her, and he was quickly up and at her side.

"Let me see." He put his hand on her arm.

"It's nothing," she insisted.

"Let me see." The sternness of his voice and the concern that filled his eyes had her relenting.

He gently stretched out her arm. He could see the imprint that his fingers left on her flesh. "I'm sorry,"  
>he said again. There just didn't seem to be enough words to fix what he'd done. The concern on his face<br>turned to anguish, and it broke her heart. For the second time in one day she found herself wanting  
>to throw her arms around him. She settled for placing a hand on his shoulder and looking into his eyes.<p>

"Hey, listen to me; it's not your fault. You were dreaming and I startled you." It was an accident."

"It'll bruise."

"I'll just wear long sleeves."

Christ! Now he felt like a scum bag who'd just beat up his girlfriend. If _only_ she was his girlfriend.

He reached up and took hold of her hand. "Kate…" He wanted to say something that would make it all  
>go away, that would make the bruise disappear, that would make her understand, but he couldn't, it<br>was all too much.

She tugged on his hand. "Come on Castle," she smiled up at him and pulled him towards the door. "We  
>gotta get out of here before the rioting peasants out there come barging in with pitch forks demanding<br>their coffee. You've been asleep in here for almost two hours."

"Two hours?"

She let go of his hand as they crossed the threshold from the break room to the bullpen, and they returned  
>to their usual places, her to her desk and him to his chair.<p>

Noticing that things seemed back to normal, Esposito headed over with folders in hand.

"Hey Castle, how you doin'?"

"I'm ok."

Kate leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. "No thanks to you."

Castle wondered about her remark and about what had happened between them that caused the  
>detective to squirm under her reproachful glare.<p>

Esposito knew it was useless to try and defend himself, so he changed the subject. "We rounded up two of  
>the three suspects and we've got them in interrogation rooms one and three. Which one do you want?" He<br>held out the folders.

"Does it matter?" She grabbed one from his hand.

"You're in three," he remarked coolly before walking off with the other.

"What was that all about?" Castle could still feel the tension in the air around her.

"It's nothing."

"It didn't seem like nothing."

"I'm just a little pissed at the girls, that's all."

Did she just refer to Ryan and Esposito as "the girls"? What the hell was happening today, and more importantly,  
>had he caused it? Lost in thought, he never noticed Kate get up from her desk and head towards the interview room.<p>

"Castle." He heard her call his name and looked up. Her chair was empty. He looked around till he found her. When  
>did she get up? "You coming?"<p>

"Yeah." He hopped up out of his chair and followed her to the room.

She glanced into the folder and then opened the door with a brusque bravado that she liked to use to fluster a  
>suspect. She crossed the room with purpose and stood in front of the bulky linoleum covered table that the<br>suspect was currently resting his elbows on. She let the folder she was holding drop with a loud slap onto the  
>table and she succeeded in getting the reaction she expected. They always sat back from the table whenever<br>she dropped the folder. She used it as a tool to set the tone of the interview; it put her on the offensive and  
>them on the defensive.<p>

She look across the table and sized up her opponent. He was a distinguished looking gentleman in his seventies who  
>had probably been very handsome in his day. He was just beginning to show the signs of his age. The thinning white<br>hair that hinted at the scalp beneath and the flaccid skin that could no longer be drawn taunt by muscles that were  
>naturally beginning to atrophy. He didn't look threatening but she knew from years of experience that most people's<br>faces never matched their souls.

"Do you know why you're here Mr. Fournier?"

"Yes, the other detective told me."

Kate pulled out her chair to sit and that was when she noticed Castle wasn't standing next to her. He had never moved  
>from the doorway. All his focus was on the suspect and she noticed the panicked look had returned to his face. Damn,<br>he looked like he was going to be sick again. She was quickly at his side and she had a hand on his arm, intent on  
>helping him back to the bathroom. She was surprised when he shook off her arm and continued into the room. He didn't<br>head to his chair. Instead, he crossed to the opposite side of the table and stood next to the suspect. He stood and  
>stared. The man looked up at him.<p>

"Can I help you?" He asked. Castle never answered, he just continued staring down at the man. Kate had move back to  
>her side of the table to see what was going on and that's when she noticed his eyes. They were dark. Where had the blue gone?<p>

"What's wrong?" The man asked, looking up at Rick and then back to Kate.

She leaned on the table and called out his name. "Castle!"

The darkness in his eyes was joined by a look she never expected to see on his face. His jaw was clenched and he  
>was visibly beginning to tremble. She made a move to go to him, but she was too late.<p>

He lashed out.

He grabbed the man by his throat, lifted him off the seat like a rag doll and smashed his body against the far wall.  
>Kate scrambled around the table and was on him in an instant trying to pry his fingers from around the man's neck.<br>His grip was like iron and the things she heard coming from his mouth shocked her. He spoke in a low harsh, almost  
>primal growl.<p>

"You fucking piece of shit, do you know what you did? You fuckin' piece of shit! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! Do you hear me!  
>I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!" Tears were starting to slip down his distorted face. Kate couldn't stop him, so she yelled for help.<p>

"Ryan!"

Ryan was at his desk when her scream cut through the bullpen. He had never a sound like that coming from her before  
>and he was in the room in seconds. He didn't know what to make of what he was seeing. Was Castle trying to kill someone?<br>He must be, the guy he was strangling was starting to turn blue. He raced around opposite of Kate and tried to help pry his  
>hands loose. He never realized Castle was so strong. How could a guy who sat around typing all day be so strong?<p>

Esposito arrived seconds later and saw they were fighting a losing battle. His Seal training kicked in. He launched  
>himself at Castle's back and placed him in a choke hold. He hoped the old guy wouldn't die before Castle blacked out.<p>

Castle raged against the restraining arm, but it was a battle he couldn't win. His eyes fluttered, rolled up into the back of his  
>head and then he was out, collapsing into a heap atop Esposito.<p>

"What the hell was that all about!" He demanded to know as he pushed Castle's dead weight off him. Kate didn't  
>answer; she was too busy kneeling beside Fournier's crumpled form, checking the man for a pulse.<p>

"Somebody grab the Z-Pads and call 911!" She frantically started chest compressions.

"Don't die goddamn-it! Don't die!" This was not happening, she couldn't lose him. And by him, she meant Castle.  
>God! She couldn't lose him, not to to prison, not that.<p>

Detective Emmons rushed in with the Z-Pads and Esposito pulled her off Fournier. He was one of three in the  
>department trained to use the defibrillator and he needed to save this man's life. Damn-it Castle, what were<br>you thinking?

Kate looked up and noticed that aside from Ryan and Esposito, there were two other detectives who had entered  
>the room. She got up off the floor and headed for the door. She shut it and turned her attention to Detectives<br>Emmons and Rodriguez.

"You didn't see a thing, you got it. Not a goddamn thing. If I hear one word of this anywhere, ever! I will make  
>your lives hell, do you hear me?"<p>

"We go it." "Yeah, you don't have to worry about us."

"Good, now out." She thumbed towards the door.

After nearly four years everyone in the bullpen considered Castle one of them, but she had to make sure.  
>She had to protect him.<p>

"I got a pulse!" Esposito called out, and a wave of relief flooded through her.

Ryan joined her by the door.

"What the hell just happened?"

"I don't know, but we need to get Castle out of here before the paramedics arrive. Do you think you two can  
>get him to the couch in the break room?"<p>

"Yeah, we'll manage, it's not far."

It took all three of them to get him up and into a position that the guys could handle. Kate opened the door  
>and watched as they half dragged, half carried him off. She went back to check on Fournier. His breathing<br>was shallow and he had a weak pulse. Where the hell were the paramedics! What the hell was happening?  
>This day had been wrong since the get go. Time seemed to drag while she waited and it was minutes later<br>before she heard a commotion outside the door. It opened and Esposito entered followed by two paramedics  
>and a gurney. She got out of the way to let them do their job.<p>

As they wheeled Fournier out, she couldn't help but notice the handprints on the man's neck. They were  
>similar to the handprint that marked her arm. Why? Why did he do this? She needed to know. She entered<br>the break room and saw Ryan sitting near Castle watching him as he lay unconscious on the couch. She  
>put a hand on his shoulder.<p>

"I got this." She said.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"We'll run interference for you so don't worry. Just let us know what's going on will ya?"

"As soon as I know something I'll let you know." She squeezed his shoulder as reassurance.

Satisfied, he left her alone, closing the door on his way out.

She sat there, looking at the stranger on the couch and she was scared. Scared for him and the repercussions  
>this incident would have on his life, scared because part of her had begun to suspect why this was happening,<br>but mostly, she was scared about how far she was willing to go to protect him.

She caught a glimmer of the tears that were beginning to dry on his face, and that's when hers spilled out,  
>released by a torrent of pent up emotion.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Authors Comment: Reviewers have been wonderful in not blurting out their guesses as to what the answer may be. Let's try and keep it that way because believe me when I say this...you will only be half right. You can't possibly guess the real answer to the question so just wait, and you'll find out along with everybody else.<em>


	7. A Writer Blocks

**A Writer Blocks**

He awoke to the sound of crying. His eyes followed his ears and his heart broke  
>when he discovered the sound was coming from Kate. She was sitting near him<br>with her head in her hands, and she was crying. How in the hell had he managed  
>to tear apart the woman he loved so much, in such a short time? He should have<br>never gotten out of bed. He should have pulled the covers back over his head and  
>waited for this day to pass; he should have never come in to work.<p>

It was too late now. Too late to undo what had been done. His whole body ached  
>from the inside out. He wanted to pull himself into a fetal position and hide from<br>the world. The gut wrenching urge to curl up became so overwhelming that he had  
>to pull his knees up. He reached up and grabbed two fistfuls of hair just above his<br>forehead as he fought to suppress a howl caught at the back of his throat.

Kate noticed movement from the couch, and looked over to see the coiled tension  
>that wanted to explode from his body. She stifled her tears and left her chair to<br>kneel by his side. She pulled at his wrists, trying to get him to let go as she called  
>out his name. He held fast and kept his eyes tightly shut. He didn't want to look<br>into her eyes. He couldn't explain. He had to think of something. After a brief  
>tug-of-war she felt his grip begin to loosen as his body relaxed and his knees slid<br>back down.

She pushed his hands to his chest and let them go so that she could place her hands  
>on his face. "Castle." He still hadn't opened his eyes. "Castle, please…look at me."<br>Hearing her beg almost broke his resolve. He blinked open his eyes. "Kate? What…  
>what's going on? What's wrong?"<p>

No! She searched the confused look in his eyes. "Castle, do you remember what just happened?"

The guilt he felt at what he was about do made her hands burn against his face. He reached  
>up and pulled them off as he sat up to face her. "Yeah, I was in the bathroom losing my lunch."<br>He reached out and brushed his fingers lightly against her cheek. "Why are you crying, I'll be  
>fine. It's only food poisoning."<p>

She looked up and away from his gaze as she tried to stop the tears from flowing again. She  
>stood and turned away. Closing her eyes, she held her arms tightly against her chest. She<br>could feel his eyes upon her back. What the hell was she going to do now? He'd blocked out  
>everything that had happened! Shit!...why hadn't she majored in something useful, like Psychology<br>instead of English Lit.? How was she supposed to handle this? A groan from Castle distracted  
>her from her thoughts. She looked back and saw that he was doubled over, clutching at his<br>stomach.

"I think I'm gonna' be sick again." He was rocking back and forth with a pained look on his face.

"Crap," she said aloud. "Well, go to the bathroom before you puke all over the floor."

She waved him towards the door and he hurried from the room. Good. She needed some time to  
>decide what she was going to do next. A few minutes later she heard him return, only it wasn't<br>him…it was Esposito.

"Hey, Beckett...I'm off to the hospital to do damage control and to update you on Fournier's condition."  
>He looked over at the empty couch. "Where's Castle?"<p>

"He's in the bathroom throwing up again."

"No he's not."

The both looked to Ryan who was now standing at the door. "I just came from there and I never saw him."

Kate left the break room at a run and the men's room door slammed back against the wall as she shoved  
>it aside. The noise startled a detective standing at one of the urinals and made the man pee on his own shoe.<p>

"Hey! The ladies room is next door!" He yelled at her. When he saw she wasn't leaving, he hurriedly stuffed  
>himself back into his pants and watched as she shoved open the doors of the only two stalls in the room.<br>They were empty. When Ryan and Esposito entered a few seconds later, they threw out the baffled  
>detective and locked the door.<p>

Kate leaned against the bathroom wall with her hands on her knees. She couldn't seem to catch her breath.  
>She slowly slid down the wall; she had to sit down before she fell down. Esposito made a move towards her<br>but she waved him back.

"What do you want us to do?" He asked.

She leaned her head back against the wall and concentrated on getting control of herself. She had to stay focused.  
>She had too much to lose.<p>

"I need you to do what you were doing. Go to the hospital and stay with Fournier; see if you can get him to talk.  
>And if he won't talk to you, you bribe someone to sedate his ass because I don't want than man talking to anyone<br>else till I can figure out what's going on."

"You're serious?"

"You do whatever it takes to keep a lid on this. Do you understand? I'll make sure you're covered. You got it?"

"Got it."

"What do you want me to do? Ryan asked.

"I need you to run Castle's financials; discreetly. If I can't find him right away, we can track him through his credit  
>cards. That man can't live without his plastic."<p>

"On it."

They unlocked the door and left her to sit alone on the cool quiet of the bathroom floor. After everything that had  
>happened in the interview room, it was what he just did that suprised her the most. He had lied to her. He had<br>lied to her face and ran. The mark he now left upon her heart hurt more than the one he'd left upon her arm.

* * *

><p><em>Authors note: Yes, it's another short one, but that's how storytelling works. Each chapter is a stepping stone to the next. Some just happen to be longer than others. <em>


	8. The Past Unlocks

**The Past Unlocks**

She found herself standing outside The Old Haunt. It was on the way to his loft and it  
>made sense to stop and see if he was there before moving on to his place. She headed<br>down the flight of stairs and pushed open the heavy oak doors. It took a moment for  
>her eyes to adjust from the brightness of the afternoon to the subdued lighting inside.<br>She scanned the room and noticed only a small scattering of patrons; most of them were  
>off in dark corners sitting by themselves. The unemployed, the alcoholic, the unloved all<br>sitting alone seeking solace from the proximity of others like themselves. She located the  
>bartender as he walked away from a booth and headed back to the bar. She followed<br>him over. As he made his way behind the bar, he noticed her.

"What can I get you?"

"You can get me the owner. Is he here?"

The guy eyed her suspiciously and became tight lipped. "No."

She pulled out her badge and slapped it on the bar. "Is he here now?"

"I told you, he's not here."

"You're new, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"See that picture over your left shoulder." He turned to look at where she was pointing.  
>"It's a picture of me and the owner and the rest of his cop friends. Now I need to know<br>if he is here, if he's been here or if you've seen him today, and I need to know now."

"No ma'am. He hasn't been here and I haven't seen him."

"Thank you. Now you just stay here and do your job while I go and check his office anyway."

The bartender threw up his hands; he just wanted this woman off his ass. "Sure, fine, whatever."

His office was dark. She fumbled around to find the light switch. She turned it on and  
>illuminated an empty room. It was empty of him. She switched off the light and went<br>back upstairs. The bartender gave her a slight smirk as she passed by the bar. It quickly  
>fell from his face as she headed back over to him. She pulled one of her cards out of<br>her jacket pocket and set it on the bar in front of him.

"You call me if you see him; it's a matter of life and death."

"Oh yeah, whose?" He asked, picking up the card.

"Yours, if I find out he was here and you didn't call." Not waiting for a response, she turned  
>and walked away, blinking her eyes as she exited the bar and returned to the harsh glare<br>of reality.

She was nervous on the drive to his apartment. If he was there, then what? What was she  
>going to say? Hell, they couldn't talk about those three words he had spoken to her as she<br>lay dying in his arms almost a year ago, how were they ever going to talk about this? She  
>suddenly felt tired, tired of trying to keep the walls up and the lines drawn. She knew this<br>was it, the end game. When she found him, they were going to have to talk about it all...  
>and it would either make or break them. The knuckles of her hands grew white as she<br>squeezed the steering wheel tighter.

…..

She knocked on the apartment door. Timidly at first but, it grew louder as she continued and  
>once she started knocking she found she couldn't stop. She soon found herself knocking on air.<p>

"Detective Beckett?"

Her thoughts had been elsewhere and she finally noticed that his mother had answered the door.

"Is everything alright?"

"Is your son here?"

"No, he hasn't been home since he left this morning. Isn't he supposed to be with you?"

Kate looked down at the hardwood floor, up to the doorknob, over to the table in the foyer.  
>She looked everywhere but Martha's eyes.<p>

"What's wrong?" She could see the Kate was struggling to say something. She settled on  
>something simple.<p>

"Can I come in?"

"Certainly."

She ushered Kate into the living room and watched as she stood awkwardly in the middle  
>of the room. "Can I get you something to drink, a bottled water or…"<p>

"Got any Bourbon."

It was not the reply she was expecting to hear. "One Bourbon, coming right up." She turned  
>to head to the wet bar when Kate spoke again.<p>

"Make it a double."

Martha's stomach sank. Whatever the reason she was here for, it could not be good. She  
>poured herself a large scotch and carried Kate's drink to her and watched a she downed<br>the glass in two large swallows.

"Thanks." She handed her empty glass back.

Martha set her scotch and Kate's empty on the end table next to the couch.

"I think we both need to sit down." She motioned Kate to the couch and they sat down at  
>opposite ends.<p>

Martha picked up her scotch from the end table and looked over to Kate. Her elbow was on  
>the armrest and her fingers were running back and fourth across her lips as the stared at<br>the floor. She spoke up to get her attention.

"I'm sure you didn't come here to admire the carpeting dear."

"Wha..oh, no ma'am." She began nervously rubbing her hands and leaned forward, unsure  
>of how to begin.<p>

"I need to ask you a question."

"Ok."

"Have you ever known a man named Marcus Fournier?"

"Oh my god, Marcus Fournier. Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

"So you knew him?"

"Knew him, I was engaged to him. Oh, I was so in love with that man. He broke my heart."

"What happened?"

"I was never quite sure. He broke off the engagement and then went off to take a job directing  
>a play in England."<p>

"How did he get along with your son?"

"Oh Richard, Richard really looked up to Marcus. He was the first real father figure he ever had  
>and Marcus really went out of his way to spend time with him. Did you know Richard wanted to<br>be an actor when he was younger? He had a natural talent and Marcus helped him pursue it.  
>He enrolled him in acting classes and let him spend time at the theater while he was working<br>on his play."

"How long were the two of you together?"

"Almost a year."

"How did Rick react to the break up?"

"He had a hard time. He was moody; he gave up on acting and spent his days hiding at the library.  
>He was angry with me for a long time. I think he blamed me for Marcus leaving, though I tried to explain."<p>

Martha noticed that Kate now looked on the verge of tears. "What's wrong dear?" She reached out  
>her hand to comfort but Kate quickly stood up. "I need another drink." She crossed the room to the<br>wet bar and stood there lost. She had forgotten her glass. It appeared in front of her in Martha's  
>hand. She took the glass and shakily poured herself another double.<p>

"What's going on Kate? Why all these questions about Marcus?"

She knocked back her glass of liquid courage and felt its warm glow envelope her body as she replied.

"Your son tried to kill him today."

She pulled Kate around to face her. "What are you talking about?"

She repeated her reply. "Your son tried to kill Marcus Fournier today."

"Why the hell would he do that? Richard would never harm a fly, let alone try to kill anyone, least of  
>all Marcus!" She was quickly becoming agitated at the accusation against her son.<p>

"Martha, you don't know the whole story. Please sit down and let me explain."

She remained standing, pacing the floor.

"Please?" Kate begged.

The anguish in Kate's voice had her relenting. Martha sat and now it was her turn to pace. The knowledge  
>that she was about to destroy everything this woman knew about a man she once loved and a son she<br>still loved made her ill. And the two doubles of bourbon on an empty stomach didn't help either.

"We've been investigating the death of a twelve year old boy whose body was found in a dumpster behind  
>the theater district. He had been sexually assaulted and then strangled to death."<p>

"Good lord!"

"The investigation led us to three possible suspects. And one of them was Marcus Fournier."

"What? What do you mean, he was a suspect?"

Kate sat back down on the couch. This time she sat close, she knew that what she said next would certainly  
>break her.<p>

"Marcus had a complaint filed on him back in 1989. The complaint stated that he had inappropriate contact  
>with a twelve year old boy."<p>

She could see the realization in Martha's eyes when it hit, and it hit hard. Tears welled in her eyes and her  
>hand flew to her mouth.<p>

"Oh god, what did I do! My son…oh god, I didn't know! What did I do to you?"

Kate held the woman as she broke down.

"It's not your fault; you didn't do anything but be a good mother. Marcus did this. Not you. Not you."

Holding tightly to one another, they wept together.


	9. Taking Stock

**Taking Stock**

After struggling through a lot more tearful self recriminations, Kate was able to get  
>Martha to discuss where she thought they might find her son.<p>

"He really only has the Three H's, as he likes to call them."

"The Three H's?"

"Yes, Home, the Haunt, and the Hamptons."

The Three H's, it was so Castle. She had to smile.

"I've been to the Haunt and I have it covered. You really think he might go to the Hamptons?"

"Let me call Gloria Silverstein, her house is across the street and she lives there year round.  
>I can ask her to see if he's there or to call me if he shows up."<p>

"That would be great, It'll be a lot easier than me driving all the way out there."

"I'll get her phone number and give her a call, I'll be right back."

Kate used the time alone to make her own call.

"Ryan, you got his financials yet?"

"They're just starting to trickle in. You know, I always knew Castle was loaded, but I didn't  
>know he was loaded, loaded. The guys got four bank accounts, two trust funds, three savings<br>accounts, several annuities, stocks and bonds out the yin yang…here comes more, Damn!  
>I thought The Old Haunt was the only place he owned. These other holdings make the Haunt<br>look like a dive in So-ho."

"I need his credit card transactions Ryan, not his net worth."

"I have that too, looked it up on Google while I was waiting. It's estimated to be somewhere  
>between $150 to $175 million dollars. What the hell is he doing hanging around here with us,<br>that's what I'd like to know? I'd be off somewhere warm and tropical. No worries, no bodies, no..."

"Ryan! I just need the credit cards."

"Sorry, nothing on the screen yet, you want me to call you when it pops?"

"As soon as they come up." She hung up and placed a call to Esposito.

"How's it going there?"

"You want the good new or the bad news?"

"I just want you to tell me."

"Right, bad news first. It looks like Castle fractured the dude's hyoid bone. It'll heal, but it may take a while."

"And the good news?"

"The guy won't be doing any talking till they pull they pull out the trach tube."

"Is he awake?"

"Yeah, he's awake, and none too happy. He keeps motioning for a pen and paper, but I've managed  
>to keep that away from him. Don't know for how much longer though. You really want me to pay off<br>someone to sedate him? I haven't gone there yet."

"No not yet. Next time he wants a pen and paper give it to him, and then let me know what he's written.

"Will do, any luck finding Castle?"

"No, not yet, he wasn't at the Haunt or at home. I'm checking on his place in the Hamptons right now."  
>Martha returned to the room. "I gotta go."<p>

"Anything?" She asked expectantly.

Martha shook her head.

"Damn, he's not going to make this easy!"

"Gloria said she'd call if she sees him."

"Thanks, you've saved me drive."

"Don't worry, I know you'll find him Kate."

"What make you so sure?"

"Alexis. He would never go off and leave her."

The truth of that statement was obvious, he would never abandon his daughter. She suddenly felt as if a load  
>was lifted from her shoulders and she began to laugh.<p>

"What's so funny?"

"I know where he is."

"Where is he?'

"He's waiting." She laughed some more.

"Waiting where?"

"I don't know." She smiled back at Martha and the woman was now totally confused.

"I'm sorry," she said getting up from the couch. "But I've got to go."

"Go where?"

"There's something I have to do for him." She turned to leave the apartment, but Martha stood up and grabbed her arm.

"Kate, what are you talking about, what do you have to do?"

She pulled Martha into a hug.

"I have to go save his life."

* * *

><p><em>Authors note: In case you think the figures for Castle net worth are unbelievable, just look up James Patterson's net worth.<em>


	10. Shylock

**Shylock**

With a pained smiled, Kate looked down at the sleeping figure in the bed below her . She  
>knew that this was it. This was the line she had to cross before the walls could come<br>down. She reached out and slapped his face. He may not have been sedated, but he  
>was clearly on painkillers. She slapped him again, and his eyes fluttered open. She slapped<br>him a few more times just because she felt like it.

"Wake up Mr. Fournier, we need to talk."

His eyes winced in pain and his hands flew up to his steady his neck brace as her slapping  
>jostled his neck.<p>

"I'm sorry, did that hurt?"

His eyes focused in on her face and they went wide.

"I see you remember me. Good, then I won't have to introduce myself."

He frantically began motioning for a pen and paper, so she went to the nightstand next to  
>the bed and rummaged around till she found something and handed it to him. He scribbled<br>briefly and handed her back the pad.

"You want a Lawyer…I don't think so." She tore off the page, wadded it up and threw it  
>across the room. "We haven't had our talk yet." Kate laughed and hit herself on the forehead.<br>"Silly me, I forgot, you can't talk." She leaned in closer to his face. "But that's ok, because you  
>don't need to say a damn thing. You just need to sit there and listen and then I'll be on my way."<p>

She noticed his hand sliding towards the call button located on the bed's side rail. She grabbed  
>at his hand and caught three of his fingers. She squeezed them against one another till he<br>winced in pain.

"You see that man standing by the door." She pointed at Esposito. "If I asked him to, he'd break  
>these fingers for me. So I suggest you not buzz for the nurse till I leave." She let go of his fingers<br>and he clasped both of his hands tightly against his chest.

"Mr. Fournier, do you remember the gentleman who strangled you?" He couldn't nod, so she continued  
>on. "Of course you do. What you probably don't know is his name though. It's Richard Castle. Are you<br>familiar with that name?" She searched his eyes for recognition and saw none. "No, that's ok; he's  
>changed his name since you knew him. His name used to be Richard Rogers; he's the son of Martha<br>Rogers, your fiancée all those years ago years ago. Do you remember him now?" His face went white  
>and he looked away.<p>

Kate grabbed his face with her hand to get his attention. "Don't look away from me Mr. Fournier, you  
>don't get to do that till I'm done!" He kept her gaze and she could see the fear in his eyes. Good!<p>

"Now you've hurt someone I love, very, very much. And that makes me angry; it makes me want to strangle  
>you myself. Luckily for you, that's not on option. But I will give you an option Mr. Fournier, which is more than<br>you ever gave your victims. You can confess to the murder and sexual assault of Kenny Bursham, and go to  
>prison for the rest of your life, or you can refuse and I will make you disappear from this hospital room without<br>anybody ever noticing and send you to a place where people will do things to you that you couldn't possibly  
>imagine. The Russian Mafia loves torturing people. They're experts at removing body parts and keeping their<br>victims alive for a long, long time."

Fournier's eyes were beginning to tear up and his lips started to tremble.

"Well, it looks like I'm done here. I'll send you that court appointed attorney you asked for. He should be here  
>in a couple of hours. That'll give you plenty of time to write out your confession and you can give it to him." She<br>dropped the notepad onto his lap, turned and left the room.

She walked a few feet down the hallway before she had to stop and lean against the wall. Her whole body was  
>shaking. Esposito joined her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.<p>

"You did good in there."

"I know. I did what I had to."


	11. Pit Stop

**Pit Stop **

Esposito found an empty waiting room down the hall so that Kate could sit. Her  
>confrontation with Fournier had left her shaking. He grabbed a soda from a<br>vending machine in the corner of the room and brought it to her.

"Here, drink this." He handed her the cold can.

She took the can from him and held it against her cheek for a moment before moving  
>it to rest against her forehead.<p>

"You gonna be ok?"

"I'll be fine, I just need a minute."

He sat down next to her to wait. After a few minutes of watching her sip from the soda  
>can, his need to know got the better of him and he took the chance of incurring her<br>wrath to ask her a question.

"So, did you really mean what you said in there?"

"Hell yes. I'll toss him to the Russians in a heartbeat if it comes to it."

"No, not that."

"What then?"

"What you said about you being in love with Castle."

Kate didn't reply right away, and then he noticed tears beginning to form in her eyes.  
>Damn, why in the hell did he have to open his big mouth? He had to fix it.<p>

"I'm sorry, I…"

"No," she reached up the back of her hand to wipe away an errant tear that had slipped  
>down her cheek. "…I just…"<p>

To hell with it, he jumped back in.

"Come on Kate, you can't keep denying it."

"I'm not denying it. It just…it scares me."

"What! Badass Beckett, scared of being in love?" The statement earned him a glare.

"I'm not scared of being in love. I'm scared of what it's doing to me. I've covered up an  
>attempted murder and I've threatened a suspect; my moral compass has gone out the<br>window on this, and I'm scared to think what else I might do to try and protect him."

"The world's not just black and white Kate, there's a lot of gray in it."

"Yeah, well I like black and white; it's less complicated."

Esposito shook his head at her reply. "Well I've learned that you better get used to gray  
>if you ever want to have a lasting relationship."<p>

"When did you become Dr. Phil? I can manage my own relationships, thank you."

"Oh yeah, I can see how well you've done so far."

She'd heard enough.

"I gotta go." Kate quickly left the waiting room and headed down the hall with Esposito  
>on her heels.<p>

"I'll walk you to your car."

She never replied, but she never said no, so he kept on following. They walked on to the  
>parking garage elevator, neither one speaking. Kate mashed the button and they waited. When<br>it arrived they had to wait as a large family exited carrying armloads of flowers and a  
>bouquet of helium filled balloons that exclaimed We Miss You! and Get Well Soon!; the<br>balloons became snagged along the top of the elevator.

"Sorry," someone apologized before they managed to tug them free.

Stepping into the empty elevator, Esposito put his hand to the panel and looked over to Kate.

"What level?"

"Six."

He pressed the button and as the doors slid shut, he took the opportunity of having her  
>trapped to risk speaking again.<p>

"Have you told him yet?"

"Told him what?"

Esposito shook his head and executed a perfect Beckett eye roll. Talking to her was like  
>pulling teeth sometimes.<p>

"Have you told Castle that you love him yet?"

She stood there, silently wishing this conversation would go away, but she knew it wouldn't.

"No."

"Why not? You waitin' for him to make the first move? You've got the man walking on so many  
>eggshells around you that he'll never say anything."<p>

"He already has."

"What, when?"

When I was shot. He told me that he loved me when he was holding me."

"And you two haven't jumped between the sheets and done the hot and nasty yet, what is  
>wrong with you two?"<p>

"Jesus Esposito, you're starting to sound like Lanie. Do I need to tell you to shut up too?"

The elevator stopped and the doors slid open.

"Hey, I'm just sayin'."

Kate stepped out of the elevator and put her hand on Esposito's chest when he started to step out.

"I got it the rest of the way." The door started to slide shut.

"I don't get you two?" He had to add a parting shot as the doors closed.

He could have sworn he heard her say, "shuuutt uuup!" as the elevator started back down.


	12. Gridlock

**Gridlock**

Kate had nearly made it to her car when her phone started ringing. She pulled it from her  
>jacket pocket and checked the caller ID; it was Ryan. She slid it open to answer.<p>

"What do you got for me?"

"I…on his….card."

"What?"

"….said, I got…..on…..American….."

"Hang on," she hastily looked around. "I can't hear you in this damn garage."

She headed toward the four foot retaining wall that encircled the perimeter of the garage  
>and leaned out over the edge hoping for better reception.<p>

"You still there?" She asked.

"Yeah, did you hear me?"

"No, what did you say?

"I said, he didn't go far. I got a hit on his American Express Black Card. I didn't know they  
>made a Black card. Apparently the card is issued by invitation only and…"<p>

"Ryan! I just need to know where he used it."

"Sorry, he charged a room at the Hilton."

"Thank you, now I need you to send someone to relieve Esposito. I want him back with you.  
>The two of you need to make sure this stays quiet and I need you to start investigating into<br>Fournier's past. There are bound to be more victims, we just need to find them so that we  
>can keep tightening the noose around this guy's neck."<p>

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to the Hilton, so don't call me unless it's important, just wait for me to call you.  
>This might take a while."<p>

"Will do."

Kate hung up and continued on down the sloping concrete drive to where her car was waiting.  
>She was eager to see Castle and she drove the spiraling exit ramp at a speed faster than<br>necessary. It caused her already nervous stomach to do a few backflips and she berated herself  
>to slow down.<p>

She still didn't know what she was going to say once she got there. Sorry? Sorry you were molested  
>as a child. Yeah, that would be an ice breaker, or better yet, sorry I never acknowledged that you<br>loved me. That one was probably worse. God, this sucked! The thought of running away herself was  
>starting to sound appealing. Her thoughts were interrupted when she had to stop at the booth to pay<br>her parking fee. She slid her time stamped ticket off the dash board and handed it, along with a few  
>bills to the attendant and received a receipt in return. Her heart was still eager to get to him even if<br>her head wasn't, so she quickly exited the parking garage and went…exactly nowhere.

Traffic was at a standstill. What the hell was going on? It was almost seven o'clock and rush hour  
>traffic should have been long over with. Instead it was bumper to bumper and no one was moving.<br>She slid open her phone and called Ryan back.

"Ryan," the detective answered.

"Ryan, it's me, can you call traffic division and find out what's going on? The traffic on 96th isn't moving.  
>See if you can get me an alternate route around whatever's going on here?"<p>

"Do you want to hold, or should I call you back?"

"Call me back." She hung up and decided to try Castle's phone again. He hadn't picked up all day,  
>but this time she wanted to leave a message. She wanted him to know that she was on her way.<p>

After the rote voice to leave a message played, she spoke. "Rick, I understand why you left and I  
>know that you're waiting for me so please don't leave. I'm on my way. Please be there…I need you<br>to be there." She didn't know what else to say before the message timed out. She set the phone  
>down on the seat next to her and waited. She idled and progressed down the street at a snails<br>pace. Ryan called back ten minutes later.

"Where have you been?"

"I had to make several calls, none of which were good."

"What do you mean?"

"You are in the middle of one of the biggest traffic jams since the blackout of 1977. It seems that  
>someone at the city planners scheduled this years Hare Krishna parade for Friday evening because<br>it conflicted with the Latino Day Parade on Saturday. It seems that Midtown was never contacted  
>about the change to Friday, so that when the road crews started throwing up the barricades for<br>the parade route after rush hour, there were no traffic cops deployed to redirect traffic. You're  
>stuck in the middle of one huge cluster fuck."<p>

"This is so not happening!" She said more to herself than to him.

"I made a few more calls and I was able to get you a route around most of the mess, but you're  
>not going to like it."<p>

"What is it?"

"You're going to have to go north and then completely around Central Park in order to head back  
>south to 6th."<p>

"You've got to be kidding?"

"Nope, everything south and east of the Park is screwed, you've gotta go around to get there  
>the back way."<p>

"Damn, that'll take at least an hour."

"Sorry, I did get you directions on the best route to take, you want it?"

"Give it to me."

"Ok, you need to go north to 115th, then west to Columbus. Take Columbus south till it turns into  
>9th, then take 52nd east till you get to 6th. The Hilton will be on 6th between 52nd and 54th. You got it."<p>

"Yeah, I got it, thanks." Silently cursing her crap of a day, she made her way slowly north. Traffic was  
>moving a little faster when she finally made it the 115th. At Columbus she picked up more speed but<br>she soon found herself crawling again the closer she got to the Hilton. With the parade route running  
>less than a block away on 5th street she was beginning to realize she would never get there in her<br>car. She was going to have to walk the last four or five blocks. She cut into the first parking garage  
>she could find and left her car behind. It was almost eight thirty when she walked into the hotel lobby.<p>

During the drive to the hotel, she'd concocted a story to tell hotel security so that she could gain access  
>to his room. More gray, she thought, as she strode to the concierge desk. Kate felt frazzled as she eyed<br>the immaculate looking woman behind the counter. Her brunette hair was pulled back tightly from her  
>smooth features; there wasn't a hair out of place and her uniform was sharply tailored to her form. Kate<br>ran a hand through her hair even though the small effort couldn't possibly help. She placed her badge  
>on the counter as she greeted the woman.<p>

"I'm detective Beckett with the NYPD. Can I speak with hotel security privately please?"

"Yes ma'am. I'll have someone take you to Mr. Carlson's office; he's the head of security." The woman  
>motioned for a man similarly uniformed to her standing off to the side of concierge desk.<p>

"Jason, could you please take Detective Beckett to see Mr. Carlson?"

"Yes ma'am." He looked to Kate. "Right this way." He led her across the lobby to a door marked _Employees Only_,  
>and then further down a long carpeted hallway before stopping at a door marked <em>Security<em>. He ushered her inside  
>and made her introduction.<p>

"Mr. Carlson, Detective Beckett is here to see you."

"Thank you Jason." The young man left them to return to his duties in the lobby.

A tall, thin balding gentleman who looked to be in his sixties stood to meet her. He was wearing a nicely tailored  
>dark suit, not a uniform like the other employees. His employment was noted only by the words Hilton Security<br>embroidered in gold letters above his breast pocket.

"Detective Beckett," he said as he extended his hand in greeting. "Frank Carlson, head of security. Formerly  
>with the 19th Precinct, retired."<p>

"Nice to meet you Mr. Carlson." She returned his strong handshake.

He motioned her to a chair in front of his desk as he sat back down.

"So what can I do for you detective?"

"I'm here to look in on man who checked into the hotel earlier today. His name is Richard Castle. His friends  
>haven't been able to reach him for twenty four hours so I was sent to do a welfare check."<p>

"You should have just called. We can do that sort of thing for you."

"Believe me, I would have rather called, especially considering the traffic nightmare out there right now. But  
>the friend requesting this check is the mayor. He called my captain and my captain sent me. There've been<br>some domestic issues in Mr. Castle's personal life and they want me to pop in to see if he's ok and they ask  
>that I keep this as quiet as possible."<p>

"I see. Well, I'll be glad to help you. I'll call the front desk and have them issue you a key card and you can  
>check on him. If you need any help when you get there just pick up the room phone and dial 101. That's<br>the direct number to my office."

"Thanks, I appreciate your help with this." Kate stood to leave.

"Anytime, can you can find your way back to the front desk?"

"Not a problem,' she held out her hand in parting. "101, I'll call you if I need you, thanks again." Relieved  
>that her story went over, she headed to the desk to pick up the key.<p>

He was on the fifteenth floor in room 1525. She was surprised he had requested a smaller executive suite  
>and not the top floor presidential suite. As she rode up in the elevator her nervousness returned. She still<br>didn't know what to say, and she didn't want to make things any worse than they already were. When she  
>arrived at his door, she stood outside, hesitant to knock. She gave a few tentative raps. No answer. She<br>knocked loudly the second time, still no answer. She pulled the key card from her jacket pocket, slid it in the  
>slot and pulled it out. The light on the door turned green. She turned the handle and stepped inside.<p>

It was dark inside. The only light came from the hallway and she was able to make out a large open room  
>and the end of the bed that wasn't obscured by the bathroom wall that ran along the left side of the room<br>near the entrance. She could see a foot dangling off the end of the bed. She stepped the rest of the way  
>inside and the door closed behind her, engulfing her in darkness.<p>

"Castle?" She called out. No reply came. The room's layout was simple so she headed towards the bed  
>hoping to find a lamp on the nightstand or wall. She had almost made it to the head of the bed when<br>her foot connected with something on the floor. "Ow." She reached out and her hand and knocked into  
>some things on the nightstand, they clinked and clattered against each other and some fell to the<br>ground. Finally finding the lamp, she fumbled for the switch and turned on the light.

"Shit!"


	13. Life on the Rocks

**Life on the Rocks**

Ten to fifteen tiny bottles of alcohol were now scattered atop the nightstand and a few  
>more lay on the floor where she had knocked them off. One had rolled away and was<br>lying next to a larger bottle that she had stumbled into. She thought about picking it up  
>but that's when she saw him. He was lying face down on the bed. His face and his<br>whole body were soaked in sweat and she noticed that he had thrown up down the side  
>of the bed.<p>

"Shit!"

She put her hand to his face, he was burning up. She climbed over him and pulled him onto  
>his back from the other side. He never woke up.<p>

"Rick! Rick!" She slapped his face hoping for a response. Nothing. Fear overwhelmed her  
>and tears began to flow. "Damn it Rick you were suppose to be waiting for me! What the<br>hell were you doing?"

Fear was quickly replaced by action as her adrenalin kicked in. She grabbed his feet and  
>pulled him crossways on the bed. His head was now hanging off the left side. She rushed<br>back around and slid her arms through his and held him with his armpits nestled in the  
>crooks of her elbows. She pulled and he slid a few inched off the bed; she grunted and<br>pulled some more. He was halfway off the bed. With another tug, gravity did the rest and  
>his legs hit the floor with a thump.<p>

She dragged him towards the bathroom, never stopping until she had to stop and pull open  
>the glass door to the floor to ceiling shower. She strained as she pulled him past the metal<br>strip set into the floor that sealed the door. His shoes snagged. Laying him on his left side  
>she straddled his body and reached down to yank off his shoes. She tossed them away and<br>lifted his legs into the shower.

Turning back around, she tried to lift him up against the back wall, but his dead weight was  
>too much; she had exhausted her strength just getting him in there. She left him lying on his<br>left side in a semi fetal position and remained kneeling next to him. She reached up and turned  
>on the cold water. It shocked her, but barley roused him. She stood to angle the shower head<br>away from his face and more to his body and then returned to his side. It seemed like forever  
>but it was closer to five minutes before he began to come around. A finger twitched here, a leg<br>moved there. He tried to lift an arm in an automatic response to try and stop the water, but it  
>dropped weakly back to his side.<p>

Good. It was a good sign. She reached up, shut off the cold water and then leaned her back  
>against the shower wall, exhausted. She only took a second for herself before she was back<br>on her hands and knees hovering over him. His face felt cooler and his breathing was deeper.  
>She stood, and was immediately surprised at how shaky her legs were. It felt like she had run<br>a marathon. She grabbed some towels from the towel rack hanging outside the shower and  
>returned to wipe his face and hair.<p>

"Rick, can you hear me? Can you sit up?"

His tongue parted his lips and then slipped back inside. His lips struggled to form a word, but  
>nothing came out. His eyes remained shut. Crap! He was still too drunk to function, and what<br>had seemed like the best way to help him, now left her wondering how in the hell she was  
>going to get him out. She was too exhausted to do it on her own and he was far from functioning.<br>She had to think.

She was going to need some help, but who to call. Not Mr. Carlson. He may be an ex cop, but people  
>still talk. Not on purpose mind you, but he might talk to his spouse, she talks to her mother and<br>so on, and soon it finds its way to the gossip column of page six. No, she needed someone he  
>would trust implicitly. She left him and made her way back into the bedroom. She needed to find<br>his cell phone. It wasn't in his jacket draped over the chair. She didn't see it on the nightstand or  
>dresser. She was growing frustrated so she took out her phone and called him. A muffled ring<br>came from somewhere beneath the covers on the bed.

She began flinging them around and it finally landed on the floor at her feet. She answered it to  
>stop the ringing and then hung up to scroll through his contact list. When she found the name she<br>needed, she hit send and waited for the call to be answered.

"Hello, Richard. What can I do for you?"

"It's Kate. I need your help."


	14. Ad Hoc

**Ad Hoc**

Kate jumped up from the shower floor when she heard the knock at the door. She had  
>hated making that call, and had spent the whole time waiting second guessing her<br>decision, but she knew she had no choice. She opened the door.

"Where is he and…good lord, what happened to you?"

"I'm just wet, come on in. He's in the bathroom."

She passed by Kate and stepped into the bathroom.

"How long has he been like this?"

"I got here about an hour ago and he's been in there since I called you."

"What did you do to him? Did you dump him?"

"This is not about me, Gina. There's some serious shit going on here and if you're not  
>going to help then I need you to leave."<p>

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to belittle you or him. What can I do to help?"

"I need to get him out of the shower and back into the bed. I managed to drag him in  
>there to get him cooled down, but I can't get him back out on my own and now he's<br>starting to get chilled. I was about to turn on the hot water when you knocked."

"Well let's not soak him down again," Gina assessed the situation. "Let's get him out  
>of the shower and lay him on the floor here," she gestured to the tiled floor outside<br>the shower. "We can get him undressed and dry him off in here before we move him  
>to the bed."<p>

"What?"

"We can't leave him in these wet clothes. Does he have any other clothes here?"

"Uh…I don't think so."

"It doesn't matter. Right now we need to get him out of there." She slipped off the high  
>heels she wore and set them on the bathroom counter along with her purse. "Head or feet?"<br>She asked looking to Kate.

Kate was amazed at how this woman now standing barefoot in a cocktail dress went from  
>condescending to commanding in an instant. "What?"<p>

"Do you want to carry his head or his feet?"

"Head…I'll get his head."

Kate went in first and Gina followed. She grabbed Rick's hands and pulled him up enough  
>so that Kate could get her hands under his arms again, and then she let go and bent over<br>to pick up his feet.

"On three," she said.

On three they lifted him a few feet off the ground and carried him over the threshold of  
>the shower and laid him out on the floor. Gina kneeled beside him and began unbuttoning<br>his shirt. She threw it opened and then looked up at Kate.

"I'm gonna need some help here,"

"Ok." She tried not to let her eyes linger on his bare chest too long.

They each grabbed an arm and pulled him back up into a sitting position. Kate tried to hold  
>him steady as Gina tugged off his shirt one arm at a time.<p>

Kate then lowered him back down and when Gina began undoing his belt, she stood to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I…I'll leave this part to you."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

Gina stopped tugging at his belt and sat back on her heels shaking her head

"Wow, all this time I was wrong."

"Wrong, wrong about what?" Kate asked.

"Wrong about why we broke up. All this time I thought he was with you."

"Me? Why would he be with me?"

Gina feigned a look of mock surprise at her reply.

"Because he's in love with you, I think he's been in love with you for years. Hell probably  
>since he first met you. What do you think his Nikki Heat books are about? They're all about you."<p>

Kate took a moment to process what Gina was saying, and she found herself struggling to  
>hold back a new batch of tears that were forming in her eyes.<p>

"I thought you knew?"

Kate didn't reply, but turned away from the woman as the first few tears slipped out.

"You're obviously in love with him too, so what's the problem? Why aren't the two of you together"

She wanted to yell at her to shut up, she wanted to throw her out of the room. She wanted  
>Gina's help but she didn't want to stand there and listen while his ex wife discussed their relationship,<br>or lack thereof. But she couldn't do any of those things, because she knew that the woman was  
>right. She let out a huge sigh as she resigned herself to the fact there was no going back in their<br>relationship. There was now only forward.

Hearing Kate's sigh, Gina spoke up again. "I'll finish undressing him and I'll cover him up, but you're still  
>going to have to help me move him to the bed."<p>

"I can do that." Kate replied. She headed out of the bathroom and Gina called out.

"Are you sure you don't want to view the merchandise before you make the purchase?"

Kate couldn't help the tiny smile that crept up the corner of her mouth.

A few minutes later Gina called her back into the room. Her idea of covering him up consisted of a couple  
>of bath towels thrown across his waist and she smile at the effect it had upon Kate's face.<p>

"Don't be modest Kate, we're both grown women."

Damn, what was she trying to do to her?

"You ready?"

Kate made her way around to stand by his head again. Gina pulled him up by tugging on his wrists and  
>Kate hooked her elbows under his arms again. She waited for Gina's count before they lifted. It was a<br>longer way to carry him this time and Kate was mortified that the towels would slip off and she noticed  
>Gina smiling back at her discomfort. They had to stop and rest by the bedside before they attempted to<br>lift him up higher.

After a brief rest, they positioned themselves and lifted him up. They had to get him up high enough to  
>clear the bedside and Kate also wanted to avoid the sick on the bed. She made sure his shoulders were<br>a good two feet above the bed before she shifted to her left to lay him down. What she hadn't noticed  
>was that his backside was lower than the bed, and as they kept moving him the towels at his waist<br>became snagged and they were slowly being pulled off his body. When Kate noticed what was happening,  
>she closed her eyes and shoved with all her might and succeeded in rolling him partway over on to his left<br>side. All she wound up seeing was a nice view of his ass. Her eyes lingered there for a moment before  
>they were quickly drawn to a tattoo on his right hip. Se reached out and touched it before her eyes met Gina's.<br>She was pulling up the covers.

"I'll let him explain that to you."

Kate stood back and watched as she finished pulling the covers up over his shoulders. Gina then sat down  
>on the end of the bed and patted the spot next to her for Kate to come and join her. She complied out of<br>exhaustion.

"So what's going on with him Kate?"

"I don't think I'm in a position to tell you…" Gina opened her mouth to protest, but Kate shut her down.  
>"…hear me out first. "I don't have all the facts yet to tell you everything. I have evidence of something<br>terrible that happened to him, but I want to talk to him first and I can't do that till he's sober. So I'm  
>asking you to wait. I believe he'll tell you in his own time. Can you do this, for me and for him?"<p>

"Ok…I'll wait."

"Thank you Gina, I really couldn't have done this with out you."

"I know." She stood up and looked down at Kate. "You're way too modest."

Kate blushed and Gina laughed. She headed in to the bathroom and came back out with Rick's wet  
>clothes in her arms and dropped them in a pile at Kate's feet. "Strip"<p>

"What?"

"You heard me, out of those wet clothes." She walked over to the closet, opened it and pulled out one of the  
>complimentary bathrobes hanging inside. "You can wear this." She handed it to Kate. Too tired to argue with<br>her she took the bathrobe and changed out of her clothes in the bathroom. When she came back out, Gina  
>held open a plastic garment bag that now held Rick's wet clothes and Kate tossed hers on top.<p>

"I'll drop these at the concierge desk on my way out. They'll be cleaned and dried and returned to you by  
>morning, don't worry." She grabbed her purse and shoes from the bathroom and stopped at the door to<br>slip on her heels. She opened the door and looked back at Kate and thought how lost she looked standing  
>there in the middle of the hotel room dressed in that oversized bathrobe.<p>

"He's all yours Kate." She gave her a knowing smile and closed the door.


	15. One O'clock

**One O'clock**

Once Gina had left, the stillness of the room was profound. The day that had started off  
>fuel by caffeine and concern, and boosted into overdrive by her passionate anger, had<br>come to a crashing halt. The clock on the nightstand glowed 11:09 and Kate had no idea  
>what to do with herself. And so she stood still, and breathed. And time passed.<p>

When she did move again, it was just her eyes, and they looked over at his sleeping form  
>and then to the clock now at 11:13. What the hell had happened to today? She felt like<br>she had been caught in a maelstrom and had no power over where she could go or what  
>she could do. It was Fate, she thought. Fate had decided that the one act tragedy, 'The<br>Death of Joanna Beckett', wasn't enough for her. She needed to be treated to an encore,  
>'The Destruction of Richard Castle'. She laughed aloud. She laughed to keep from crying.<p>

She turned and made her way to the far side of the bed. The last thirty minutes had taken  
>their toll, and she needed to lie down before she fell down. She pulled down a pillow that<br>was smashed up against the headboard and flattened it out before she lay atop the covers  
>with her body mirroring his. She lay there staring at his face and was surprised…by nothing.<br>She knew every line, every wrinkle, texture, hair and lash. When had it all become so familiar?  
>She closed her eyes and discovered that she could still see him. Somehow, she didn't know<br>when, his face had become etched in her memory.

Memory was one thing, sensation was another and those she had of him were so few. His  
>hand along the small of her back, his kiss, once on her cheek and once on her lips and his<br>hand gripped tightly in hers. They weren't nearly enough. When she felt a tear slip from the  
>corner of her eye to drop onto her pillow, she opened her eyes. It wasn't enough. She<br>reached out and ran her hand through his stiffly drying hair and then slid it back down to  
>rest on his cheek. It was so easy now. Would it be the same if he was awake? The longer<br>her hand remained the more she relaxed she became, and she quickly fell asleep with her  
>hand still on his face.<p>

It was a sensation that awakened her later. As she slept her hand had slid down and now  
>rested on his chest and arm. She felt him move. Opening her eyes, she saw that he had<br>rolled over on to his back. She glanced at the time; it was one o'clock. She pushed up on  
>her elbow to check on him and saw that he was dreaming again. His face was agitated and<br>his eyelids moved erratically. She wanted to touch his face again, to comfort him, but she  
>remembered how badly it had startled him the last time she tried to do that. All she could<br>do was watch. His agitation soon turned to anguish, his lips began to tremble and he looked  
>like he was on the verge of crying. It was too much for her to watch and she had to look away.<p>

She was looking down at the end of the bed when it started. His leg moved, it kicked out and  
>it was soon mimicked by the other. She looked back to his face and saw that his face and neck<br>were tensed, he was holding his breath. He kicked some more and his left hand reached up and  
>began clawing at the side of his neck. Red whelps were beginning to appear. She reached out<br>to stop him, but as quickly as the incident had started, it stopped. She could hear him exhale  
>and she watched as his body relaxed and he slid back into an easy sleep. And she had never<br>felt so helpless.


	16. Aftershock

**Aftershock**

It was early morning when she found herself startled awake. It was a sound that woke  
>her this time. She sat up quickly and saw that he was gasping for air. His face was turning<br>red and his eyes were open. She was panicked and was beginning to wonder if he was  
>having a seizure, when his hands reached up and he began clawing at his neck again.<p>

She grabbed them this time to pull them away and that's when she noticed his eyes pleading  
>at her. He wasn't dreaming and it wasn't a seizure. He struggled to speak.<p>

"Can't…breathe."

He gasped and clawed some more.

"Can't…can't…"

"Rick, you can breathe!" She kept pulling at his hands; he was starting to draw blood as he clawed.

"I can't…"

"If you can talk you can breathe! Do you understand?"

She saw the frantic look in his eyes as it was replaced by understanding. His hands relaxed and some  
>of the redness and strain left his face. His breathing still remained erratic. It came in big gulps and puffing<br>exhales, but it soon began to even out. She leaned in closer and was shocked when he pushed her away.  
>But her shock turned to concern when he turned away from her and began dry heaving over the side of<br>the bed.

As the contractions in his gut began to subside, she reached out and placed a hand on his bare shoulder  
>to comfort him. She was surprised at the comfort she felt when he reached up and briefly gave her hand a<br>squeezed before letting go. He knew she was there for him and that was enough for now. She sat back  
>and waited, guiltily letting her eyes roam his body as he struggled to return to normal.<p>

His voice sounded hoarse when he finally spoke.

"You came."

"And you didn't wait," she chided.

"I didn't think you were coming."

"I was kinda busy saving your life, plus there was this really, really big traffic jam,"

He gave a short laugh and turned to look at her. "Saving my life, huh?"

"Yeah, I figured I owed you."

His eyes grew serious for a second. "You don't owe me a thing Kate." He lifted up the sheets from his lap  
>and looked down. "Except, maybe some clothes?" He gave her a weak smile and she blushed.<p>

"Uh…I didn't. That wasn't me. Not entirely."

"Who?"

"I called Gina."

He sighed and leaned himself back against the headboard. "Sorry about that."

"That's ok. She was a big help. I kind of like her."

He rolled his eyes and spoke sarcastically. "Wait till you get to know her."

"Hey! Be nice. If it wasn't for her you'd still be lying in the shower with all your clothes on."

"Why would I be in the shower?"

Kate didn't answer right away and Rick knew he'd screw up. She was struggling with what to say.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" She pointed to the nightstand and he looked over at the collection  
>of bottles.<p>

"I was wondered why my head was pounding." He jokingly rubbed his head.

"This isn't funny, Rick!" Her pent up emotions came bursting out.

"Yeah, well funny's all I've got right now!" He snapped back at her and she pretened no to hear.

"You scared me. You were passed out and burning up...and…" Tears were beginning to mix with her anger. "…and I had to  
>drag you to the shower…and then I couldn't get you out…and I didn't know what to do" She turned away,<br>she hated for him to see her cry.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault."

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

She turned to face him. She didn't care about the tears anymore, or if her face was blotchy or her eyes  
>were red. She cared about him taking the blame for something he didn't do.<p>

"It's not your fault Rick, It's Fournier's." She saw his face harden and his jaw set at the mention of his name.

"I know what happened. I know he used to date your mother. What he did to you is not your fault. Please,  
>talk to me. I want to help."<p>

His anger and contempt for what she said almost made his lip curl up. He turned to face her and she was  
>surprised at how fast his demeanor had changed.<p>

"Talk to you? You want me to talk to you about _this_!" He shook his head. "We don't talk about a goddamn  
>thing Kate, ever! He held up a finger to her face. "We still haven't talked about that kiss." He held up another.<br>"We haven't talked about us almost dying together…" He held up another finger. "…twice! And let's not forget  
>our favorite topic of conversation. How about when you were dying and I told you I loved you!" He was almost<br>yelling and he took a breath to calm down. "It's like talking to a brick wall with you Kate, and I'm tired of talking  
>to a fuckin' brick wall." His anger put him on the verge of tears. He turned away from her and slung his legs out<br>of the bed. He stormed off to the bathroom and slammed the door, leaving her sitting alone with her bottom lip  
>quivering and tears running down her face. The sounds coming from the bathroom only made her tears and her<br>guilt worse.

A cross between a howl and yell made its way through the wall and it was followed by the sounds of things being  
>ripped apart in the room. Soon a loud metallic banging was heard followed by the sound of breaking glass. It all<br>ended with the sound of metal rattling on tile, and she cried even harder.

.


	17. Eight O'clock

**Eight O'clock**

Her tears were eventually silenced by the deafening quiet that followed. A few minutes  
>later there was a loud knock at the door and Kate jumped from the bed and hastily looked<br>around for her badge. Where had she put…there it was…in the chair with his coat. She  
>grabbed it as the knocking continued. "Just a minute!" She checked herself in the room's<br>mirror. She looked like hell. She ran her fingers through her hair and there was a slight  
>improvement, though nothing could disguise the redness of her eyes.<p>

A plump middle aged woman wearing a hotel uniform was standing outside the door holding a  
>garment bag.<p>

"Hotel concierge ma'am. Is everything alright in there?"

Kate grabbed the bag of clothes from the woman's hand.

"Yes everything's fine."

"Are you sure? I thought I heard…"

Kate flashed her badge to interrupt the woman.

"Mr. Carlson with hotel security knows I'm here, so there's nothing for you to worry about.  
>Everything's fine."<p>

"Yes ma'am."

Kate didn't continue the conversation further, she just shut the door. She listened for a moment  
>outside the bathroom door, but all was quiet inside. She took the bag to the bed and dumped<br>out its contents. She wasn't too worried about him coming out of the bathroom any time soon,  
>so she dressed herself as she stood at the end of the bed. She then spent her time folding his<br>clothes and stacking them in a neat pile while she tried to decide what to do next. She couldn't  
>think of a thing.<p>

She picked up his stack of clothes and headed to the bathroom. She turned the knob and found  
>that he hadn't locked it, so she stepped inside and surveyed the destruction. The towel bar had<br>been ripped from the wall and he had used it as a baseball bat. The marble counter top was  
>chipped and cracked along its edges and the wall length vanity mirror was smashed. Pieces were<br>everywhere. She saw him sitting on the edge of the bathtub, elbows resting on his knees and his  
>head in his hands. His body seemed to shake with every breath. She noticed he was having trouble<br>breathing again. The sound of her shoes crunching against the glass on the floor made him look up.

"I need…air."

She knelt down and looked up at him. "We'll get you some air; we just need to get you dressed first."  
>She stood and set his clothes on the back of the toilet. It seemed to be the only surface not littered<br>with glass. She pulled his boxers from out of the pile and knelt back down. She held them open in front  
>of his feet. "Here, put your feet in."<p>

She looked up in time to see a brief flash of anger across his features. He grabbed the underwear out  
>of her hands. "I…got this." He waved a hand at her like she was being dismissed.<p>

She met his glare with her own. "Fine, but I'm not leaving this room till I clear all this glass away from your feet."

She found a hand towel crumpled on the floor and she shook it out. She then went to work, using the towel  
>as a broom to push the shards away from his feet and into a pile near the shower door. She picked up his<br>shoes that she had tossed aside earlier and tapped them empty of glass. She then dropped them at his feet.

"I'll be outside when you're done."

He never looked up. He just sat there holding his boxers while he stared at the floor.

She paced for a good ten minutes and he still had not come out of the bathroom. She braced herself with her arms  
>outstretched on either side of the door frame and spoke through the door.<p>

"If you're not out in another minute I'm coming in."

No sooner had she finished speaking, he yanked open the door. They stared at each other. He at her reddened  
>eyes and she at his chest, his breathing was still uneven.<p>

He pushed her arm from the door frame and brushed past her. "I…got…to go."

He opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

"You might want your wallet," she called out as she held open the door. He turned back towards the room.  
>"…and your phone."<p>

He brushed past her again and grabbed his jacket off the chair and patted the pockets. He looked around and saw  
>that his phone and wallet were on the dresser. He picked them up and shoved them into his pockets. He turned<br>back around and stopped in front of her.

"Where's…my keys?" He held out his hand for them.

"Nuh uh, you're not going anywhere without me."

"Get… your own car."

"My car is five blocks away, and I'm not letting you drive anywhere in the state you're in or you really will kill yourself  
>and probably someone else too."<p>

Her words seem to exacerbate his difficulty breathing and he bent over and placed his hands on his knees. He was  
>sucking in great gulps of air and she saw he was beginning to sway. She grabbed him and bodily backed him into<br>the chair behind him. She pushed his head down between his knees.

"You need to relax."

He just shook him head. "I…need air."

"Alright, we'll get you some air. Can you give me a minute?"

He nodded his head.

She made a quick pass through the room and bathroom to make sure nothing was left behind then she picked up the  
>room phone and dialed extension 101.<p>

"Carlson."

"Mr. Carlson, its Detective Beckett."

"Detective, I didn't hear back from you last night, is everything ok?"

"Well yes and no, that's why I'm calling."

"Ok."

"There's been some damage to the bathroom and I just wanted to give you a heads up before the cleaning  
>crew comes through, I was hoping you could take care of everything from your end. Mr. Castle will cover all<br>the repairs, but I just need to try and keep a lid on this, with him being the mayor's friend and all."

"Not a problem, discretion is something I've learned working here."

"Thanks again for your help; we'll be leaving in about five minutes."

"Anytime, detective."

She hung up the phone and looked back over to Rick. He was still sitting with his head down. She walked over  
>and put a hand under his arm.<p>

"Come on."

He stood and walked out ahead of her. She stayed behind him during the walk to the elevator and he propped himself  
>up in the corner as they rode silently to the lobby. Before they reached the ground floor he reached out and handed her<br>a slip of paper. She took it from his outstretched hand and looked at it. It was his valet slip.

It was eight o'clock when they stepped outside and they were greeted by the early morning sunlight streaming between  
>the surrounding buildings. They squinted at the brightness.<p>

Kate moved to the valet stand and handed over the ticket. She looked back and noticed that Rick hadn't followed. He  
>had never moved from just outside the lobby door. His eyes were closed and he was standing still as he let a shaft of<br>sunlight warm his face. His breathing became deeper and the tension left his features. She could also see that he was  
>blocking the main exit of the building as a businessman struggled to maneuver his wheeled luggage around him. She<br>walked back and tugged on his arm. He looked down when the suitcase caught his heel. That's when he noticed where  
>he had stopped. "Sorry," he apologized to the man as Kate pulled him away. She guided him towards the curb and he<br>pulled his arm from her grasp.

"I'm not an invalid. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, great job so far," she muttered, as she scanned the driveway for their car.

Not wanting to fight, he walked off to put some space between them. She paced off in the opposite direction and  
>wondered when, or if, his anger towards her would subside.<p>

When the car arrived it stopped short of where Kate was standing, and she could only watch as Rick took the key from  
>the attendant's hand. He was already around to the driver's side when she arrived at the car.<p>

He looked at her and held up the key. "Valet key," he smirked.

Damn! She had forgotten about the valet key. She fumbled in her pocket and pulled out the full set. She was familiar  
>with the special amenities of his car. Auto start, On Star, alarm, panic button and… she held up the plastic fob and<br>looked him in the eye. "Kill switch." She answered as her finger hovered over the button.

Frustrated, he walked back around to the passenger side and got in. He rolled down his window and leaned his head  
>out as she exited the u-shaped drive out and melded with the morning traffic.<p> 


	18. She Talks

**She Talks**

Kate drove a few blocks with no idea where she was going. She hadn't thought that far  
>ahead. He said he needed to go, so she went, blindly. Damn it! She needed to get control<br>of herself, of the situation…of him. Yeah right, that was one thing she'd never be able to  
>do. Was that why she had pushed him away for so long, because she couldn't control him?<br>No, it was more like she couldn't control herself. The things she had done for him in the past  
>twenty four hours were proof of that. She looked over at him leaning against the passenger<br>door. She needed to know where to go.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

"No," he replied without turning to look at her.

"Your mom's worried and…"

"I said no."

Where else? She knew her next suggestion would be shot down, but she asked anyway.

"My place?"

"No."

"Then where Rick? I need some help here."

He was quiet, and she watched the wind rustle his hair as he leaned a little further out the  
>window with his eyes closed, drinking in the air he had so desperately craved. He spoke, but<br>the wind drowned out his words.

"What?"

He leaned back inside.

"I want to see the ocean."

"The ocean?"

"Yeah."

"You want to go to your place in the Hamptons?"

"That's fine. I just want to see the ocean."

Luckily she hadn't traveled far so she was able to pick up the exit heading east and she found  
>herself on Hwy 495 in record time.<p>

It was a long drive and thirty minutes later the silence between them was too much. She had  
>to break it before it broke her.<p>

"Rick, can we talk?"

He made no rely or even acknowledged that he heard her.

She pushed a button on her armrest and rolled up his window.

"Can we talk, please?"

He responded by rolling down his window. She waited till he finished, then she rolled it back up.

"Fine, you don't have to talk, but will you please listen?"

He still didn't answer, but he didn't make a move to roll the window back down.

"You were right you know, when you told me I was afraid. You were right, but not about being  
>happy." Her eyes were on the road, but she knew that he was looking at her and what she had<br>to say began to bring tears to her eyes.

"I was afraid, I was afraid of how much I would love you. And I do Rick." A tear slid out. "I'm sorry  
>I didn't tell you, but I do." The one tear became a flood and the car slowed as she struggled to see.<p>

Cars flew by, a horn honked and she felt his hand on her arm.

"Pull over Kate."

She couldn't do it; she couldn't do anything but cry. Rick steered the car to the shoulder and waited  
>till it slowly rolled to a stop and he put it in park.<p>

He pulled on her arm again and pulled her sideways into his chest and held her as she cried. He'd  
>gotten what he'd wanted. He'd finally broken her down and made her admit her feelings, but at<br>what price? He wanted to take it back. He wanted to take back the angry words he'd spoken to  
>her last night, but it was too late. All he could do was apologize and hope she would forgive him.<p>

"I'm sorry." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry I've made you cry Kate, it's the last thing I ever  
>want to make you do."<p>

She pulled away and looked at him. "It's not your fault, I'm just too stubborn and pig headed and…"

The touch of his hand to her face quieted her. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.

It was a chaste kiss, but it was filled with the forgiveness that they both needed. When they parted,  
>she was smiling and he couldn't help but do the same. She leaned back into her seat, placed her<br>hands on the steering wheel and sighed. She put the car in drive, pressed her foot down on the gas  
>and sped off down the road.<p>

"What are you doing?" He asked, as he was pressed back into the seat by her sudden acceleration.

Her whole face was aglow when she turned to him.

"I want to see the ocean."


	19. The Shoe Drops

**The Shoe Drops**

She drove another twenty minutes to the outskirts of East Hampton. He held her hand for  
>the rest of the trip and the touch comforted them both, but she noticed that in the last ten<br>minutes he had slipped away and was once again staring pensively out the passenger  
>window. She gave his hand a squeeze to bring him around.<p>

He looked over and gave her a forced smile. "Hey."

"Hey yourself. We're in East Hampton. I'm gonna' need directions to your place."

He looked ahead. "Sorry, second light ahead, make a right and go till the road ends then take a left."

"You ok?'

He just shrugged.

She made the right, drove down and took left and then gawked as house after gorgeous house  
>passed her by. It wasn't until an unpretentious two story New England style cottage home came<br>into view did he tell her to pull in. She was surprised at his choice of home. She had been expecting  
>something more modern.<p>

"It's beautiful."

"It was built in the 1920's. I love its classic style."

The circular drive took her to the front of the house where she parked and sat staring through windshield.  
>He got out, walked around the car and opened her door.<p>

He held out his hand as invitation. "Come join me."

She thought he was going to take her inside; instead he headed off on an intricately laid brick pathway  
>that led around the side of the house and continued on down to the private beach. When their feet left<br>the pathway and met the sand, he let go of her hand and walked alone to the waters edge. She watched  
>him as he stood there breathing deeply, with his head tilted back and his arms held slightly away from his<br>sides. He looked like he was trying to breathe in the world. It was another minute before he spoke.

"This is my touchstone. When I see this, the enormity and the magnificence of this…it keeps me grounded  
>and reminds me of how petty my problems actually are."<p>

"Your problems aren't petty Rick, at least not to me."

"Yeah, but compared to this! Compared to this, they're nothing."

"You can't pretend they don't exist."

"I'm not pretending they don't exist. I'm just putting them in perspective."

"It won't make them go away."

"No, but it makes it so that I can live with them."

She understood. She had a watch and a ring and he…he had the ocean. She walked down to the water's edge  
>and stood next to him. Taking his hand in hers, she leaned her head against his shoulder to share the moment.<br>He had a better idea. He pulled her in front of him so that her back was pressed against his chest and he  
>wrapped his arms tightly around her and she held fast to his.<p>

"It was amazing, you know."

"What was?" He asked.

"That kiss."

She could feel a quiet laugh rumble in his chest as he squeezed her tighter.

"And if I had to die, there's no place I'd rather be than with you, because I love you. I love you more than you  
>could possibly know.<p>

He kissed her hair and breathed her in. "I love you too Kate, and I'm sorry I put you through all of this."

"I'm not. Looking for you, protecting you, it's what finally opened my eyes."

His grip loosened from her and he pulled back. She turned to face him.

"Protecting me? What did you do?"

She didn't reply.

"I made this mess Kate, I'll clean it up."

"I already have."

"What did you do?"

"I covered up everything that's happened today and I went to see Fournier."

"He's alive?"

"Yes."

He let out a huge sigh of relief and sat down heavily in the sand.

"I thought I killed him."

"You came close." She sat sown next to him. "We revived him and he's in the hospital. That's where I went to see him."

"Why?"

"I went to keep you out of jail and to put him in."

"I was justified, no court in the world would convict me."

"You don't know that. Don't you watch the news? Killers go free and Samaritans go to jail everyday. I wasn't about to  
>take that chance and neither should you. That's why I went to see him, to give him a choice."<p>

"You gave him a choice? That's more than the he deserves."

"Yeah, well wait until you hear the choices. I told him he could confess to killing the boy or I would make him disappear  
>and give him to the Russian Mafia to play with."<p>

He laughed. "I bet he about shit his pants when you told him that."

"It's not funny Rick, I was serious."

"I don't want you to compromise your principles for me Kate."

"Hey, I'm learning to live with a lot of grey lately.

He gave her comment a confused look.

"Would you believe me if I told you that I was taking relationship advice from Esposito yesterday?"

"Wow, and I thought I was having a bad day."

She couldn't help but laugh and he couldn't help but want to taste it.

He put his hand behind her head and pulled her in to stifle her laugh with his lips. Chaste was gone, this was need, the  
>need for her to know how he felt. He could taste her smile and then her surprise, which quickly transformed itself into<br>desire as she moaned into his kiss. His arousal was instant and he found that he couldn't get enough. He moved into her  
>and pressed her back into the sand until the full weight of his body was on top of her and suddenly his kiss went from<br>one of need to desperation as he ground himself against her. Kate could sense the shift in him. She suddenly felt he was  
>gone, and only his primal instincts that seemed tinged with anger remained, and it was desperately trying to find its way<br>inside her. When his lips moved from her mouth to her neck she called his name.

"Rick." He didn't stop. A hand forced its way up her shirt.

"Rick, please," she pushed against his shoulder.

He only responded with grunt as he found her breast.

"Castle!" She yelled in his ear. It broke the spell. He had stopped and was now looking into her eyes and she could see  
>the confusion in his. He pushed himself up.<p>

"I'm sorry!" He threw himself back and sat a few feet away breathing heavily with his eyes averted to the sand at his feet.  
>He then brought his knees up and bowed his head into his arms and began to rock like a child trying to console himself.<p>

"It's in my head Kate, it's in my head and it won't go away!" His voice broke. "It's there when I'm awake. I can't drink it away.  
>It haunts me in my sleep and now…even when I'm kissing you. Why do I have to remember that? Why now after all these<br>years?" He put his hands to his neck and began rubbing at the red welts that were left from the night before.

Kate was quickly at his side. She put one hand on his knee and her other on his shoulder. She wanted to say the  
>words, any words that would fix this. Everything that came to mind seemed like platitudes, but she spoke them anyway.<p>

"I'm sorry you have to remember it. I wish I could take it away from you, but I don't know how. Just try and remember that  
>it's not your fault. It's Fourniers fault. Not yours."<p>

She watched as he began shaking his head. He lifted up his head and fixed his tearful eyes on hers.

"It's not that, I've never forgotten that. I survived that a long time ago." He looked away before he spoke again.

I forgot what I did Kate…I forgot what I did, and now that I remember, I don't know how I'm going to live with it."


	20. He Talks

_**Authors Note: I never usually preface a chapter, but I felt this one deserved a *WARNING*. I had no intention of writing about Rick's past with Marcus Fournier, but I found that as I wrote this chapter (as happens sometimes in the course of writing), the dialogue dictated its own direction. I discovered that Rick needed to preface what he'd done with what had been done to him in his past, and I could not continue the story without writing this chapter. I did not write this for shock value and I limited the graphic nature as best I could. I did my research and I think I have written this with the sesnitivity it deserves. So please, don't shoot the messenger.**_

**He Talks**

What did he do? Kate's mind was trying to think of what he could have done as a young  
>boy that would have been so traumatic. The incident with him just now on the beach had<br>her wondering if he in turn had hurt someone. God, not that! Please don't be that. How  
>could she help him deal with something like that? She wanted to ask. She was afraid to<br>ask. She reached her hand up and brushed back his hair, bringing her hand to rest on his  
>cheek.<p>

"What did you do that was so terrible?"

He reached up and took hold of her hand and squeezed. His eyes and lip looked like they  
>were struggling to say something. Nothing came out but a frustrated breath of air. He stood<br>up, letting her hand drop and walked off down the beach. She let him go, because she knew  
>he had nowhere else to go.<p>

He may not have been able to talk to her, but she could tell by his occasional wild gesture  
>that he was verbally berating himself as he continued further and further down the beach.<br>She knew he would come back eventually. He was just looking for the right words. He  
>stopped at a point on the horizon where his image was still a body and not yet a blur, and<br>she saw him bend over at the waist and place his hands on his knees. He had reached the  
>invisible end of his journey. Now she had only to wait for his return. She could just make out<br>his head as it turned to watch the lazy roll of the surf upon the beach.

She was up and running the instant he turned and walked towards the water and into the  
>shin high breakers, and he kept on walking. "Castle!" She yelled as she ran. What the hell<br>was he doing? "Castle!" The ocean breeze stifled her words and the sand mired her progress.  
>The water was just below his chest when she saw him sink down and go under. Shit! She ran<br>on till she found his shoeprints in the sand leading to the water. She scanned the horizon  
>looking for movement a splash some bubbles. There was nothing. He burst from the water<br>seconds later, wiping the salt water from his eyes and pushing the hair back from his face.  
>He saw her on the beach and walked towards her. He stopped where the surf met the<br>shoreline.

"What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing? Jesus Castle, you scared the hell out of me! What were you doing?"

"I thought maybe the ocean could wash it all away, that maybe it could give me absolution."

She stared at him slightly exasperated, it was her turn to berate him. "I hate to disappoint you,  
>but the only thing the oceans gonna' give you is sand in your underwear."<p>

His left eyebrow went up. "Do you realize you're starting to sound like me?"

She snorted. "I wouldn't doubt it. Esposito was starting to sound like Lanie yesterday." She  
>held her hand out to him. "Come on Mr. Limpet. Let's go back." He took her hand and grinned<br>at the name.

"I love that movie."

"Why am I not surprised?" She held tight to his hand and they headed to the house.

On the way back she noticed that his dip in the ocean seemed to have improved his mood and  
>his resolve, and he began to talk.<p>

"I never told you this, but I was going to be an actor."

"What, you?" She couldn't picture him as anything other than a writer.

"Yeah, I practically grew up at the theater. Mother couldn't afford babysitters so I was looked  
>after by whatever cast and crew was available. By the time I was eight or nine, I was working<br>with the guys in props and wardrobe. I didn't know it was work, I thought it was fun."

"Anyways, I was twelve when my mother met Marcus. He was directing her latest play. Most of  
>her boyfriends treated me like I was some sort of nuisance, hell most of the time when they<br>found out about me they ran. But when she introduced me to him, he didn't run. He talked to  
>me. He made sure I was included in some of their dates. He would hang out with me on the<br>nights mom invited him over for dinner and then after dinner we'd sit on the couch together and  
>he'd put his arms around us both and we'd watch Dallas or The A-Team, it was great. They dated<br>for about six months before they got engaged and he moved in with us, it was like I finally had  
>the dad I'd always wanted."<p>

"Your mom told me some of that."

"Did she tell you that he was the one who encouraged me to become serious about acting. He  
>enrolled me in classes and started taking me to some of the plays he directed so that I could<br>watch him at work. And then one day, I think it was about a month before my thirteenth birthday,  
>I had gone with him to the first read through of a new play he was going to direct and after they<br>were done and everyone had left he told me he wanted me to understudy for the part of the  
>young boy in the play, he said I was ready. I was so stoked. He took me back to wardrobe for a<br>fitting. I'd seen plenty of fittings before so it wasn't a big deal. He said that he neeed to take my  
>measurements so that he could give them to the seamstress the next morning, and it was when<br>he was measuring my inseam that his hand 'accidentally' rubbed against me. He apologized right  
>away, and I think I just laughed it off. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't realize it was just another<br>step in his grooming process. Prior to this it had just been the casual arm around my shoulder, an  
>occasional hug, or him ruffling my hair. They were all just steps though."<p>

She squeezed his hand to draw his attention. "You don't have to tell me everything."

"No, I can do this Kate, I need to do this. I don't want this coming between us, and it will. You need  
>to know it all and then we can go on from here. And like I said, I learned to live with it a long time ago."<p>

"It didn't look like you had at the precinct yesterday."

He stopped walking and she was forced to turn and face him because he still had hold of her hand.

"That was different. I hadn't seen him or even thought about him for a least twenty some odd years,  
>and then when his face went up on that board it all came back. It was like it was happening again,<br>right then and there in the middle of the precinct. And then I remembered everything, and it was just  
>too much. I snapped when I saw him sitting in the interview room. All I wanted to do was kill him; I<br>couldn't think of anything else, I was so enraged at what he made me do."

She reached her free hand to his face and leaned in to place a kiss on his lips. She wanted him to know  
>that what happened on the beach hadn't frightened her away. As she leaned back, he reach both hands<br>out towards her waist and tried to pull her into a hug. She stiff armed his chest.

"No way am I hugging you till your dry."

He brought his hands down and slapped them against his wet jeans. "Sorry, I forgot."

"Come on, let's see if we can get you dry and then we'll talk some more." She tugged on his hand and  
>pulled him down the beach and back to the brick walkway. She was leading the way back to the front<br>of the house, when he pulled her back and then to the left. He led her up a short wooden staircase and  
>then out on to the expansive deck off the rear of the house. He stopped next to an outdoor patio set and<br>pulled a chair out from the table for her to sit down.

"Don't you want to go inside for a towel?"

"I would love to go inside for a towel, but I don't have the house keys."

"What?"

"I wasn't exactly planning to come out here you know."

"You know I could break in, I shouldn't be too hard."

"Sorry, alarm system. We'd have a whole bunch of Hampton cops down here in no time."

"Great."

"You know, you could break into the bath house next to the pool." He hiked his thumb over his shoulder.  
>"It's not wired and you could probably find something in there."<p>

She patted his shoulder as she walked by. "Wait here. I'll be right back." He took a seat and at the end  
>of the table watched her go to work. She had the door jimmied open in seconds and then disappeared inside.<p>

Her mouth fell open. She had expected a room with towels and floats and pool chemicals stored inside and  
>what she got was a brightly decorated sun room with a huge window that looked out over the ocean. "Some<br>bath house," she muttered as she stepped into the room. Against the far wall was a gorgeous white couch  
>accented with floral pillows, it was framed on either side by matching overstuffed buttery yellow cottage rockers.<br>A large oval coffee table made of glass and brass anchored the trio "Where the hell is the…" She spotted the  
>door to the bath off to the right. She headed over and opened the door and took a moment to admire the<br>oversized tiled floor to ceiling shower with…how many water jets could one shower possibly have? The adjacent Jacuzzi  
>bathtub had her shaking her head. Grabbing a couple of towels off the rack she left the bathroom and couldn't<br>help but notice the extensive entertainment system in the opposite wall of the room. Was that a 52" flat screen?  
>There was a wii and Xbox on a shelf below the TV and a Yamaha surround sound system and…and she had to<br>leave before she forgot why she was in there in the first place. She spied a mini fridge on her way out and  
>found it stocked with bottled waters and sodas. She grabbed a couple of waters and went back outside.<p>

She could see him sitting at the table. He seemed to be drifting away again, staring off at nothing while he  
>absentmindedly rubbed at his neck. She shut the door and hurried over before she lost him again.<p>

"Here you go." She handed him two towels and set one of the waters down on the table in front of him. She  
>pulled up the chair adjacent to him on the right.<p>

"Thanks." He threw one towel over his shoulders and the other he used to rub any residual water out of his hair.  
>It left his hair sticking out in all directions. She tried to hide her smile by covering it with her hand, but he noticed<br>and began running his hands through his hair to flatten it back out.

"Better?"

"Much."

He lifted up out of his chair and placed the towel he'd used on his hair into the seat to help absorb the water from  
>his pants. He sat back down and she could help but notice as he squirmed in his seat.<p>

"What's wrong?"

"You were right about the sand in the underwear."

She snickered and opened her bottled water. He opened his and drank most of it in a matter of seconds. A loud  
>"Aaah" escaped his lips as he set the empty bottle down.<p>

"So, where was I?" Oh yeah he was taking it to the next step." He leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table.

"He baited me with the next one. It was about a week after the last incident. My mother was in a play at the  
>time and she had to do both the matinee and the evening performance so I wouldn't see her till the morning.<br>Marcus was between shows so he was home most days. I came home from school one afternoon and the  
>house was quiet. I was heading to my bedroom when I noticed a magazine opened on the coffee table. It<br>was a Playboy and it was opened to the centerfold. I thought I had won the lottery. A lot of the boys at school  
>talked about Playboy's and the naked women inside, but I thought they were full of hot air, and then there one<br>was one right in front of me; I couldn't take my eyes off it. Then I heard Marcus come out of the bedroom or  
>bathroom and so I ran to my room. I didn't want him to catch me looking at it. When I came back out later for<br>dinner I noticed it was gone."

"Every afternoon for a week and a half, when I came home from school I would find the magazine out on the  
>coffee table and it would be opened to a picture of a different naked woman each day. Then I came home on<br>a Wednesday and there was no magazine. I was crushed. I wanted to see more. What thirteen year old boy  
>wouldn't? I thought about that magazine for the next two days. I thought maybe I could sneak into my mom's<br>room and find it one day when he was gone and I was home alone. I didn't have to wait that long. It was  
>Friday evening, and even though my mother wasn't there we still settled in on the couch to watch Dallas. He<br>was sitting in the middle so I had to sit next to him. I was busy watching the show and I don't know when it  
>appeared, but I eventually noticed he was flipping through the magazine. Only it wasn't the same magazine,<br>this one was way more graphic and I couldn't look away. A few minutes later I was grabbing a pillow from the  
>couch and I put it in my lap to try and hide what it was doing to me. That's when Marcus lifted the magazine up<br>from his lap. I could see he had the same problem. He said, "Don't worry, that's suppose to happen. You just  
>gotta take care of it when it does." He then whipped himself out right there in front of me and started jacking<br>himself off. I remember my heart was pounding so hard that I thought he had to hear it too. I wanted to run  
>but I was frozen in shock at what he was doing. When he was done, he looked at me and said, "Now it's your turn."<p>

Kate could see that his hands were starting to shake and he tried to control them by squeezing his empty  
>water bottle as he continued.<p>

"He shoved me back and pulled my pants down so fast...and before I knew what was happening, he began doing  
>the same thing to me that he'd just done to himself. I was scared and horrified but at the same time my body<br>took on a life of its own and I couldn't stop him even if I wanted to. After it was over, I ran to my room and cried."

He looked like he was going to cry now. She pried the water bottle out of his hands and held his shaking hands in  
>hers. Her touch began to calm him and he took a deep breath to settle himself down further.<p>

"The next day he acted as if it never happened, or at least that it didn't matter to him. Everything went on as usual.  
>I thought maybe I was overreacting. He was the adult, and it didn't bother him, maybe I was just being a baby about<br>the whole thing. So I settled into a new normal. One where I pretended it didn't matter."

He let go of her hands and started squeezing the bottle again. "It was about two months later, my mothers play was  
>ending and the cast and crew were having a wrap party after the final show. That usually meant she wouldn't be home<br>till the early morning. Marcus begged off, he said he had some work to do on the new production he had begun working  
>on earlier in the week." Rick began twisting the bottle he was holding into some unidentifiable shape as his face hardened.<br>"It was about one in the morning when something woke me, and there he was standing next to my bed…and he was naked."

She grabbed hold of the bottle he was still trying to twist. "Rick! You can stop now." She yanked it from his grasp to get his  
>attention. "You don't have to say anymore." She felt tears stinging her eyes. "Please don't say anymore." She begged.<p>

He grabbed her hands this time. "God no! I would never want you to know that. Nobody else should have to live with that in  
>their head, especially you." He reached up and wiped away the tear that had begun to slide down her left cheek.<p> 


	21. The Final Shock

**The Final Shock**

As he looked into Kate's tearful eyes, he knew this why he never told anyone, even years after  
>it had happened. Why should anyone else have to suffer through even the emotional trauma<br>of what happened if he could bear the burden of it all? Why put anyone else through that…  
>especially his mother. God! What was he going to say to her? Would it affect their relationship?<br>Would she blame herself and try to crawl inside one of her bottles? It was all too much to think  
>about; he needed to stay focused and finish what he'd started. She deserved to know everything,<br>especially after how he had treated her over the past two days. He wiped away another loose  
>tear from her face and then dropped his hand back down into hers.<p>

"I started locking my bedroom door after that. I thought I was safe, but the bastard found a way  
>in. I thought maybe I had forgotten to lock the door. I was so scared of him coming in again that<br>I started sleeping in my closet and I would get up five to six times a night just to check the door  
>and make sure it was locked. A couple of weeks later I discovered how he got in. I locked my door<br>one evening and gave it a tug to check it and the door swung open. I checked the lock, tried it  
>again, the same thing happened. I discovered that he had put a piece of tape across the latch. I<br>don't think I got much sleep for about a month. That was when he took off."

"What made him leave?"

"I think it was lack of opportunity, mainly. My mother was between jobs so she was around a lot.  
>And he knew I had gotten smarter at avoiding him. I quit spending time with him and my mother<br>wanted to know what was going on. I overheard him telling her about offering me the understudy  
>part and he told her that I had gotten scared about performing onstage and ran away and that I<br>was acting like a baby. He told her it was a great opportunity and that I was stupid to throw away  
>the chance. She tried talking to me about it but I just played the classic teen and clammed up. Marcus<br>used this as his out. I think he realized I wasn't going to make it easy for him and he was probably  
>beginning to worry that I would talk. I came home from school one afternoon and he was gone.<br>Mother was devastated. I think she blamed me a little. Hell, I didn't care if she hated me, just as  
>long as he was gone. I never saw him again till yesterday."<p>

Kate squeezed his hand and closed her eyes in an effort to suppress more tears.

"I don't deserve you Rick, I don't"

"What? What do you mean?

"I just realized I've made my mother's death all about me. I've been the one responsible for all the  
>trauma in my life, I've caused it all to happen and I've even dragged you into it and I'm sorry. What<br>happened to me doesn't begin to compare to what you've had to live with all these years. I don't  
>know how you did it, but you are so much stronger than I could ever be."<p>

He smiled at her admission. This was the last thing he had expected to come out of this, but he would  
>take it. Maybe now he wouldn't have to worry about her tilting at windmills anymore.<p>

"I'm not that strong, I cheated. I had help."

She looked confused.

"I thought you never told anyone?"

"I never did. But, I discovered this wonderful place while I was trying find somewhere safe to hide from  
>Marcus." He grinned and waited for her to guess.<p>

She didn't have a clue; she just raised her eyebrows and shook her head.

"That's when I discovered the New York Public Library. That place is awesome. I didn't know it at first. I just  
>went there because it was somewhere I could stay warm while I avoided going home. And then one day I<br>was playing around with the card catalog in the adult section and I started reading some of the cards. It was  
>all there Kate. All the answers were there in those little drawers, written on those little cards. I could find out<br>anything, more importantly I could find out why…why this happened to me."

"And Richard Castle was born."

"I guess you could say that. It was the first research that I ever did. My god was it tedious! That was back  
>when PC's were in their infancy. I had to do everything book by book. I barely even knew where to start<br>looking. I think I started with Psychology books. I had to read a lot to find just one paragraph that would  
>send me off in another direction."<p>

"No wonder there's so much stuff in your head. At thirteen I was reading The Babysitters Club and there you  
>were reading books on psychopathic methodology."<p>

"Eventually. Aside from the difficulty of the research I also had to hide from the librarians."

"Why did you have to hide from the librarians?"

I was only thirteen. I wasn't supposed to be in the adult section. They kept finding me hiding down an aisle or  
>under a desk reading god knows what. They would confiscate the book and send me back to the kiddie section.<br>That sent me on a mission to find a place in the library where I could read and not be bothered. I found the  
>perfect place. The back stairwell off the adult section went all the way to the basement and I discovered a large<br>seldom used storage room. It looked like they used it to store old and damaged books. There were boxes of books  
>stacked to the ceiling. There were also some old tables and stacks of chairs stored in there. It was perfect. I had<br>my own private office."

"How long did your research last?"

He didn't answer right away. The question caused him to drift off again. His fists clenched and his eyes darkened.

"Not long enough." His answer was clipped and his jaw tense.

"What happened?"

"I got caught." "I got caught and they kicked me out. They kicked me out of the library and they wouldn't let me back in."  
>He grabbed his right fist with his left. "It wasn't fair, it was all I had." He suddenly sounded more like thirteen year old<br>Richard Rogers than Richard Castle

Kate was worried over his sudden mood change and it looked like he was about to rub the skin off the back of his hand.  
>He never noticed her hand touch his arm.<p>

"I was all I had. It was all I had."

"What did you do Rick?" Her words went unanswered, he was somewhere else.

"Stupid bitch wouldn't let me in. What choice did I have? I needed answers. I had to have answers. Without them I was nothing!"

She gave his arm a squeeze, she hoped that part of him still knew that she was there.

"Fuckin' grown ups, telling me what to do, doing what ever they want to me. I'd had enough. I was taking control over the  
>only thing I could control. I was gonna show them all. They couldn't control me, not anymore." His face was in anguish.<p>

"What happened?" She could barely breathe the words. Part of her didn't want to know. She could live with not knowing…  
>but he continued.<p>

"I skipped school and I went to the library. I waited outside for a big crowd and I slipped in with them. They didn't see me.  
>Nobody could see me. I was invisible! I had superpowers and nobody could stop me! I went to the storage room and I undid<br>the rope holding together one of the stacks of chairs. I pulled a chair out into the open and stood in it. I tied the rope into a  
>noose…put it around my neck…and then tied it to a pipe above my head…and kicked out the chair…I hung myself…"<p>

He started breathing erratically again as he grabbed at his throat.

"I…can't… I …can't…" His face began to redden as he leaned back in his chair and strained against the imaginary rope around his neck.

Dammit! She stood over him trying to make eye contact…they never registered her. She pulled at his hands before he hurt himself  
>again. "There is no rope! Can you hear me, there is no rope!"<p>

His legs began kicking out erratically and his breathing became short frantic gasps. This went on for a minute before his eyelids fluttered,  
>his eyes rolled bac,k and then his body collapsed back into his chair…unmoving.<p>

"No, no, no!" She held his face in her hands. What just happened? She quickly had her hand against his neck and her ear to his  
>mouth and she waited. She waited for the strong rhythmic pulse that beat against her fingers and the breath of air that caressed<br>her face. Relief flooded over her. He had hyperventilated and passed out.

The episode had overheated him and he was hot to her touch. She had to get him out of the sun. She reached out to the middle  
>of the table and opened up the umbrella that was lashed closed. The area to the right of where she had been sitting was now<br>shaded. She moved her chair out of the way and dragged him, chair and all into the shade. She then pulled the beach towel out  
>from under his shoulders and ran to the swimming pool. She dunked the towel in the water and ran back to him, placing cool wet<br>towel across his chest and pulling up one end to wipe at his face. She repeated this two more times before his temperature  
>dropped and she saw his hand move in his lap.<p>

"Rick? You back with me?"

"Huh? What happened?"

"You hyperventilated and passed out." She pulled the towel off his chest.

He sat up slowly, like every part of him hurt to move. "I feel like shit."

"You should after what you just went through."

"What?"

"You don't remember?"

He looked around, confused. "I…"

"You were telling me about what happened in the basement of the library."

"Oh…" He closed his eyes. "…that."

"Yeah, that." She kneeled down beside him and placed her hands on his knee. "Why that Rick. Why did you do that?"  
>He met her eyes.<p>

"I was out of options Kate. I couldn't get my answers and I couldn't live with it anymore."

"But it didn't happen, I mean…"

"I'm not dead. No, but it definitely happened." He leaned forward in his chair and took her by the arms and pulled her  
>up off the ground. "Come here." He pulled her down to sit in his lap and wrapped her in a tight embrace. She could feel<br>the tears as they transferred from his face to hers.

"What can I do to help?"

"Just this, this is enough."

He loosened his hold after a minute and began to talk some more.

"I don't know if it was how I made the noose or what, but I hung there choking for air for about as long as I could  
>hold my breath. I had time Kate, time to think about what I'd just done. Time to realize I didn't want to die, time to hear<br>myself screaming for help inside my head and time to claw desperately at the rope around my neck. I had time to watch  
>helplessly as my legs flailed beneath me, time to beg for my mother to come find me and time to piss my pants. So I think<br>I can say I hung myself. Why I'm not dead. I don't know. The rope broke, the pipe broke? I can't remember. The last thing  
>I remember is trying to make the scream louder than the sound of the blood beating in my head and then there was this<br>bright flash of light, and then…nothing. I don't remember how I got home. I do remember having to wear turtleneck shirts  
>every day for about two weeks to hide the mark on my neck, but I couldn't remember how it got there. "<p>

Kate pulled him back into an embrace and this time it was her tears that dampened his face.

"That's what's in my head Kate. Whenever there's a quiet moment it's there and I can't block it out, I've tried. I thought at  
>the hotel that if I just took one more drink that would be the one that would quiet everything. And then when you showed<br>up I thought my anger would drive it away." He pushed her back to look into her eyes. "I'm so sorry for that."

"Don't feel too sorry, there was a lot of truth in that anger."

"Yeah maybe, but I want you to know what I did to the bathroom was not because of you. I just wanted that scream in my  
>head to go away."<p>

"It's ok."

"What I did on the beach wasn't. I was using you. I was using you to make it stop and that was wrong. I was so wrong to do  
>that. And I'll understand if all of this has frightened you, and if we just remain friends I want you to know that's enough for me.<br>I can live with that."

She was determined to end this.

"What about me Rick? What about what I can and cannot live with? Have you considered that?"

Rick was flustered by her sharp reply."

"Uh…well…I…"

"I'm not about to live without you. Not now. And if you think you can use this as an excuse to run away from me and come out here  
>with one of your twinkies, you better think again. I'm all in. I'm not afraid, I'm not running away and I love you…for better or for worse<br>so you better get used to it."

"Well, I think we've just covered the worse part, so I think we could pos…"

She shut him up with a kiss that made him forget…everything.

He gasped when their lips finally parted. "That was amazing!"

"You've said that already."

He laughed and then looked at her, stunned. "Hey!...did you just propose to me?"

"God, you're slow."

* * *

><p><em>Authors Note: There will be a brief epilogue to follow.<em>


	22. A Family Rocked

_Authors note: Well, it looks like my brief epilogue took on a life of its own and became another full chapter. There will still be an epilogue to follow this._

* * *

><p><strong>A Family Rocked<strong>

Kate took a call from Ryan during their drive back from the Hamptons. Other than her  
>usual "Beckett", she never said a word. She just listened intently and then hung up<br>the phone. Rick grew concerned as the car pulled off onto the side of the road for the  
>second time that day. He waited for her to speak. She dropped her hands from the<br>steering wheel to her lap but kept her gaze focused down the road.

"He's dead."

"Who?"

"Fournier, he's dead."

Rick's stomach sank; he'd killed him after all. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…I just…"

She turned to meet his frustrated apology.

"Don't be."

"You can't protect me from this Kate, I…"

"You didn't kill him."

"What...then how?"

She dropped her gaze down to her hands fidgeting in her lap. "I never realized I'd  
>given him a third option."<p>

"What option?"

Kate didn't know whether to laugh or cry as she looked back up into his worried eyes.

"He killed himself. He hung himself in the bathroom of his hospital room about a half hour  
>ago." She watched Rick for his reaction. Something between a smile and a grimace spread<br>across his face.

"Well, that's just about the best fuckin' example of poetic justice that I've ever heard."

His comment, and the knowledge that they would never have to deal with that man ever  
>again, soon had them both laughing and crying at the same time.<p>

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dealing with his mother was another matter. They stopped for a bite to eat since neither  
>could remember the last time they'd eaten, and it was as they talked over their cheeseburgers<br>and fries that she realized…he was afraid to go home. She watched as he absentmindedly  
>pushed a fry around in the smear of ketchup on his plate.<p>

"I don't know if I can deal with her right now."

"You can't put it off Rick. She's worried about you and she needs to know that you're ok."

"I know…it's just…" He dropped the fry and looked her in the eye. "It's not that easy."

"Gimme' you phone."

"What?"

"Give me your phone."

"Why?"

'I'll make it easy for you, give me your phone." Kate had a 'give me or else' look on her face  
>and it had him handing over his phone to her.<p>

"What number?" She asked as she slid out of the booth.

"Three." He replied halfheartedly.

She headed off across the diner and out the front door. He passed the time while she was  
>gone by worrying, and pushing more fries around on his plate.<p>

She returned with a plop and a scooted over into her seat. She could see the worried look  
>in his eyes. "Relax, everything's fine."<p>

"You talked to her?"

"Yes, she was glad to know that you were ok and that we were on our way home." He squirmed  
>in his seat as she said this. "It's going to be ok. I told her to keep it together and to give you<br>some space and that you two would talk when _you_ were ready; she understood. She's a tough  
>lady Rick and you'll both find a way through this, with time."<p>

He grasped her hand, "Thanks."

"Glad to help." She glanced down at his plate. "So, if you're done playing with your food, I think  
>we should go."<p>

He smiled and pulled out his wallet.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The reunion with his mother went better than he expected. She just hugged him and cried and told  
>him that she loved him and left it at that. How to deal with Alexis was his next hurdle in coming home.<br>He insisted that they keep her in the dark about what had happened in his past. He did not want her  
>to know…ever. They in turn tried to tell him that things had a way of eventually coming out. His anger<br>flared and he became even more insistent with them. "She will never know about this, do you hear  
>me, never!" Martha was taken aback; she had never seen this side of her son before. Kate had the<br>sense to just agree with him and not pursue the subject further. He was quick to realize his anger  
>was not towards them. "I'm sorry."<p>

Martha wrapped her arms around her son. "You have nothing to apologize for sweetie; you're just trying  
>to protect her."<p>

He returned the hug.

"Richard?" She inquires as they hugged.

"Yes mother."

"Why do you smell like something that washed up on the beach?"

He laughed. "That's because I did wash up on the beach."

She pulled away and looked at him, confused.

"Don't ask," Kate replied. "I think now is a good time for you to go clean up."

He looked anxiously over at her before grabbing her elbow and pulling her aside.

"You're not gonna leave are you?" He asked her quietly.

Kate put her hand to his face for reassurance. "No, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Good." He smiled before kissing her. "I'll be right back." He kissed her once more before heading off  
>to his room.<p>

"What was that all about?" Martha asked.

Kate blushed. "What happened yesterday kind of brought things between us to a head, and it was  
>either make or break. I guess you can say we didn't break."<p>

It was Kate's turn to be hugged. "I'm so happy for the two of you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alexis came home while her dad was still in his room. As hard as they tried to pretend things were normal  
>with unimportant chit chat, she sensed something was wrong right away.<p>

"What going on? Is dad ok?"

"Don't worry sweetie, your dad's just fine."

Kate jumped in to help cover. "We had a really bad case the last two days and your dad had a hard time  
>dealing with some thing that happened, but he's ok, so there's no need to worry. You could do him a big<br>favor though and not bug him about it; he could really use some time to decompress right now."

"Sure, I can do that. So, if your case is over what brings you here detective?"

Leave it to her to bring up the obvious, Kate thought, as she flushed under the pair of eyes waiting to  
>hear her reply.<p>

"Well…I'm just spending some time with your dad…"

"Like on a date?" Alexis assumed excitedly.

Could her face feel any redder? "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

Alexis squealed and threw her arms around a thoroughly surprised Kate.

"Oh my god, I had almost given up on you two, you've made my dad the happiest man in the world, you  
>just don't know what this means to him, I mean he's been in love with you for so long, and I know…"<p>

"Hey kiddo," Martha butted in. "You can stop now. I think you've embarrassed Kate enough already."

"Oops, sorry." Alexis released Kate from her hug, but the big grin never left her face.

"Thanks Alexis, I'm glad you approve."

"So what are you guys gonna do today?"

"I was thinking of spending the rest of the day at home with all of my favorite ladies." Rick said as he  
>walked in on the last part of the conversation.<p>

She threw him into a huge bear hug. "Dad! I'm so happy for you!"

"Well that makes two of us." He winked at Kate and was surprised to see her blush an even deeper  
>shade of red.<p>

"Come on guys, you can't possibly want to spend your first official date here with us?"

"I don't know about Kate, but after the last twenty four hours there is no place I'd rather be than here."

"The same goes for me, some quiet time here sounds great." Kate knew winding down someplace familiar  
>was the best thing for him right now.<p>

"So who's up for a rousing game of scrabble?" Rick asked as he escorted his ladies to the couch.

Kate kept a sharp eye on him the rest of the evening. She could see him struggling at times during the  
>intervals between his turn while playing and she tried her best to distract him with conversation. Dinner<br>time was easier. He insisted on cooking for them and it seemed to keep his mind off things. To keep him  
>distracted, Kate was quick to suggest they watch a movie after dinner and Alexis was eager to see new<br>Brad Pitt flick that was on demand.

Fifty minutes into the movie Alexis looked over to find her grandmother with her head resting on the arm  
>of the couch, snoring ever so gently. In the middle of the couch her dad was fast asleep with his head<br>lolled back and his mouth hanging open, while Kate slept with her head resting on his right shoulder.  
>Why did they even bother? She turned off the movie and shook her grandmother awake.<p>

"Come on Grams, time for bed." She didn't have to tell her twice. "I'm goin', I'm goin'," she mumbled as she  
>headed for the stairs.<p>

The movement woke her dad.

"Hey sweetie, what's up?"

"It seems no one but me actually. Everyone fell asleep."

He felt Kate's head on his shoulder, she was still asleep.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"That's ok, I'm gonna go to my room and finish watching it there. See you tomorrow."

"Night pumpkin."

She leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "Night dad."

Rick sat there in the glow of the lamplight thinking about the woman fast asleep on his arm. He thought of  
>what she had done for him, what she had been willing to sacrifice for him and he wondered if he could ever<br>love her more than he did right then. He felt her stir on his arm.

"Hey." He said, as her head lifted from his shoulder.

"Sorry I fell asleep."

"Looks like we all fell asleep, except Alexis. She was frustrated with us old farts, so she went to her room."

"Hey! I'm not old. I just haven't gotten much sleep in the last two days."

He stood up and gave her his hand. "Come on."

"Where to?" She hesitated putting her hand in his.

"Don't look so frightened Kate. You're tired, so I was going to offer you the use of the guest bedroom."

"Oh…maybe I should just go…"

"Please don't…I need you nearby, if that's ok with you?"

"It's more than ok," she took hold of his hand. "I understand; I'll stay." She couldn't say no to him, she didn't  
>want to say no to him ever again. Life was way too short and too cruel.<p>

"I'll go find that t-shirt you slept in the last time you stayed here."

She gave him a stare and arched and eyebrow at his comment.

"You haven't been sleeping with it under your pillow all this time have you?"

"Whhaatt? Now why would I do something like that? I'll have you know I had it professionally mounted and  
>framed and it's now hanging on the wall in my bedroom. It even had this tiny golden hammer that dangles<br>from the bottom of the frame and a sticker in the lower right corner of the glass that says _Break in Case of  
>Emergency<em>. I think today constitutes an emergency, don't you?" He left her laughing as he headed of to  
>liberate her t-shirt.<p>

She was sitting on the side of the bed in the guest bedroom when he returned.

"Here you go."

She took the soft red shirt from his hands. "Thanks." She gave it a sniff.

"Hey, it's clean…and it wasn't under my pillow!" At least not after about the first month when it got mixed  
>in with the sheets when he stripped off his bed one weekend and he accidentally washed it, but he'd never<br>admit to that. She smiled knowingly back at him and he could tell she didn't believe him. He turned to leave  
>before her look made him talk, but she reached out and caught him by the hem of his shirt.<p>

"Not so fast buster, there's something you haven't told me."

Crap, was she really going to make him admit to that. She saw the panicked look on his face and laughed.

"Not that!" She swatted his arm and shook her head. "You haven't told me goodnight."

"Oh, that!" He grabbed her from the bed and pulled her to him. "How about a goodnight kiss instead?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After one seriously hot kiss and a profession of love, Rick had left her to get some much needed sleep. He also  
>left because if they kept kissing each other like that as they stood next to the bed, he didn't know if he'd be<br>able to stop. Now, alone in his room, he wished he'd never left, because now he was alone with his memories  
>again. How was he ever supposed to sleep with that sound in his head?<p>

It took a while for Kate to fall asleep too. She kept replaying the events of the last two days over and over in  
>her head. When she finally did succumb to the darkness and the hour, it was a deep dreamless sleep. She<br>awoke about four in the morning with an urgent need for the bathroom. The guest room had its own private  
>bath and she easily navigated her way across the darkened room. As she came back out, the light from the<br>bathroom spilled into the room and landed on an object lying on the floor at the foot of her bed.

"Rick?" She was quickly at his side and knelt down beside him. He was fast asleep. She noticed he had made  
>himself a pallet with the comforter, blanket and pillow from off his bed. She couldn't let him sleep on the floor.<br>"Rick." She shook his shoulder and watched as his eyes blinked into the light from the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, I needed to be closer."

"It's alright, come on." She tugged on his arm and pulled him up from the floor. He watched as she picked up his  
>pillow. "Right or left?" She asked<p>

"Huh?"

She walked over to the left side of the bed and tossed his pillow down. "Do you sleep on the right or left side?"

"Oh, you don't have to…"

"Don't make me ask you again Castle, right or left?"

She'd called him Castle…that meant she was serious. "Um, left. Left is good."

She pulled back the covers and motioned for him to get in. Once he was settled she pulled the covers back up to  
>his chest. He watched nervously as she walked to the bathroom and turned out the light and he could then only<br>imagine seeing her as she walked back to the bed and slid beneath the covers. He was so overwhelmed by the  
>idea of her lying so close to him that he didn't realize he was holding in his breath as he listened to her moving<br>closer.

"Breathe Castle."

Her command, so close to his ear, had him exhaling sharply.

She gave a quiet laugh and nudged his shoulder with her hand. "Roll over." He could do nothing but comply.  
>"That's far enough." Her hand stopped him when he had rolled over onto his right side. She pulled herself into<br>his back and wrapped her arm around his waist. "How's this?" She asked.

"Well, if your hand slides any lower you just might find out how it is."

"No funny business Castle, at least not tonight."

He remained quiet, but she could hear everything that was going through his mind. When he finally managed  
>to squeak out a one word reply she couldn't help but snort with laughter.<p>

"When?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alexis and Martha were both up by eight the next morning getting ready for brunch that the family went out for  
>every Sunday morning. It was soon near nine o'clock and Alexis had yet to be greeted by her father grumbling<br>his way to the kitchen to start his morning pot of coffee. Martha was sitting at the bar and had her nose buried  
>in the morning paper oblivious to the time.<p>

"Gram, can you go check on dad. He's still not up yet."

"What," she glanced at her watch. "Good lord is that the time already. I'll check on him. We need to get going  
>if we're going to beat the crowd."<p>

She popped into his room and noticed his empty bed. She also noticed that his comforter was missing. Why?  
>She hadn't a clue. She returned to the living room.<p>

"He's not there; maybe he headed out early this morning to have breakfast with Kate? Give him a call sweetie  
>and tell him he's in the dog house for not leaving us a note."<p>

Alexis hit the speed dial number on her phone and a few seconds later they both heard "Dad, Dad, Dad!" coming  
>from his bedroom. They both looked at one another. Alexis spoke first. "He would never go off and leave his phone,<br>that's kind of like me going off and forgetting my purse."

Martha never replied, she was still busy putting two and two together. Alexis noticed her grandmother's eyes widen.  
>"You know where he is?"<p>

"I'm not sure, wait here though."

She watched as her grandmother headed back upstairs. She waited a whole minute before she followed.

Martha quietly opened the door to the guest bedroom and hazarded a peek inside. What she saw brought tears to  
>her eyes. They looked so peaceful and content wrapped up in each others arms. She was happy to see that something<br>good had managed come out of something so bad.

"Awwww! They're so cute!" Alexis whispered loudly as she snuck in behind her grandmother.

"Out, out!" Martha hissed. "They don't need to wake up and find us staring at them." She shoved her granddaughter back  
>out into the hallway and pulled the door closed.<p>

"Come on Gram, you gotta admit they looked really cute."

"Yes, they were." She dabbed at her tears. "Now can we go to brunch? I'm starving."

Alexis practically skipped to the front door and had to wait for her grandmother to catch up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A half hour later, Rick was the first to awaken. He was surprised that he'd managed to sleep the rest of the night  
>uninterrupted. Of course, it probably had something to do with the fact that his brain could think of nothing but her,<br>lying there next to him with her body so close to his, practically naked. Damn! The early morning monster suddenly  
>decided to put in an appearance, and he lay there in turmoil over his urgent need to pee versus his urgent need for<br>Kate. Pee, Kate…pee, Kate. These two basic instincts swirled in his mind till he could take it no more. As carefully as  
>he could he extracted himself from her embrace. He wouldn't let his body dictate his romantic intentions. He snickered<br>at his unintended pun as he made his way to the bathroom. Dick-tate, hah! The relief he felt after relieving his bladder  
>was profound. After a quick wash up he headed back to bed and found her awake.<p>

"Morning." She smiled. He was amazed at how beautiful she was with her tousled hair and crumpled shirt. He changed  
>his direction and moved to her side of the bed. He leaned in and kissed her.<p>

"Good morning to you too," he replied after he had released her lips and settled him self down on the edge of the bed.  
>He noticed she was blushing.<p>

"What's that for?"

"This still takes some getting used to. It's not exactly how I envisioned things between us happening."

"Oh, so you've been fantasizing about us have you? What happens in your fantasy? Tell me, and I'll let you know if it's  
>anything like mine."<p>

"I'm not telling you…I mean…that's not what I mean and you know it." She was even more flustered and buried her  
>face in her hands as she mumbled through her fingers.<p>

"God, would you please go?"

"I can't. I live here."

"Not away," she removed her hands and her eyes pleaded. "I mean into the other room so I can get dressed."

"I don't mind watching."

He was amazed at how fast her demeanor changed from embarrassed to sultry as she leaned in and whispered  
>sexily into his ear. "Wouldn't you rather have your first view of me be when I <em>undress <em>in front of you?" She playfully  
>bit his ear before she leaned back.<p>

"You never play fair," he grumbled as he left her side and the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They met in the kitchen fifteen minutes later. He offered to make her breakfast, but she declined, she had some  
>errands to run.<p>

"You're coming back, right?"

"Yes, I'll be back in a few hours. I have some things I need to take care of and when I get back we have some  
>things we need to discuss."<p>

"Oh yeah?"

She reached up and held his face in her hands. "Don't look so worried, it's just the details, that's all." She pulled him  
>in for a parting kiss. "I still love you, you know?"<p>

"Yeah, I know. I love you too."

"Good," she smiled and pulled away only to call back to him from the door. "Make sure you eat something before I get back."

And then he was alone…again, with the noise crawling it's way back up from the recesses of his brain…where it was still hiding.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate returned to the apartment hours later with a carload of her stuff. She exited the elevator on to his floor pulling  
>a large black suitcase behind her. She was surprised to find the door to his apartment standing open and a loud ruckus<br>coming from inside. She left the suitcase in the hall and hurried inside.

Martha was in the living room holding onto a visibly shaken Alexis as voices came from Rick's office.

"Sir, Sir. I need you to calm down. I'm just trying to take your vitals, that's all. We're not taking you anywhere."

"Goddammit, get your hands off me!"

Shit, it happened again.

Sir, I'm just trying to help, your daughter found you unconscious on the floor. We're just here to make sure you're ok."

"There's nothing wrong with me, so get the fuck out of my house!"

As she entered the room she found him physically pushing two paramedics away from him.

"Hold up guys!" She flashed her badge to intervene.

Rick saw her and pleaded for her help.

"Kate, Kate, tell these assholes I'm fine. They don't need to be here. Please tell them to go."

"Look ma'am…" One of the paramedics stood to talk to her.

"That's detective." She fixed her glare on him.

"Detective, when we got here we found him on the floor extremely overheated and unresponsive. Now I'm no doctor,  
>but I know he's not fine. I really think he should be transported to the hospital so he can be properly evaluated."<p>

"I don't need any fuckin' hospital, I know my rights!" He was listening in to their conversation and she didn't have the  
>time or patience for delicacies.<p>

"Zip it, Castle!"

"As you can see," she glanced at the name tag on the man's uniform. "…Pete. The man knows his rights, and I know his rights,  
>and I know what's wrong with him and it's not life threatening. So you two can pack up and head out."<p>

"Fine, _ma'am,_ just so long as he signs the refusal form, then we're out of here."

She knelt down by his side with the form and persuaded him to sign it. She handed it back to them and they began packing  
>their things. She sat with him on the floor until they left.<p>

"Come on," she tugged on his arm. "Let's get you something cool to drink, you're still burning up."

She looked to Martha as they exited the office and she waved them away, she didn't want them to emotionally overwhelm  
>him more than he already was. The scowl on his face did more to keep them back than her hand. She sat him down on a<br>barstool and grabbed a bottled water from the fridge. Once he was drinking she went back and grabbed a kitchen towel  
>and wet it in the sink. She wrung out the excess water and brought it over to place it on the back of his neck.<p>

"Thanks.

She watched him closely to make sure the redness left his face. When he was calm enough, she felt it was ok to broach the  
>subject. She spoke quietly, so that only he could hear.<p>

"Rick, your mother and daughter are still here, and they're scared. They're going to want to know what happened, they need  
>to know what happened."<p>

"No."

'What are you going to tell them? Are you going to make something up? What about the next time, and the next?"

His brow furrowed some more and he rubbed a hand back and forth across his forehead.

"I need a minute to think," he mumbled.

"You need to tell them the truth."

"No."

"I'll help you. They won't think any less of you as a son or a father."

His anger flared and he threw the half empty bottle across the kitchen and it burst open when it connected with the toaster  
>and they both fell to the floor, the ensuing crashed scared everyone almost as much as his outburst.<p>

"Dammit Kate! What part of no don't you understand?" He stormed off to his bedroom before anyone could react.

Martha was at Kate's side a moment later.

"My god Kate, what's going on?

She sighed. She couldn't break his trust, she was afraid she could never fix it if she did. She knew this was bound to  
>surface again, after the good day yesterday evening she didn't expect it to happen again so soon. She was going to<br>have to change her plans.

"I can't be the one to tell you Martha, if I do he'll hate me forever and I can't live with that so please don't ask me  
>again. I will tell you this. I promise you, both of you," she looked over at Alexis sitting like a frightened rabbit on<br>the couch. "You will know, one day, but he will be the one to tell you. I just need you two to wait. Can you do that?  
>For him and for me, please?'<p>

"We'll do what's best for the both of you Kate. That's what families do."

Kate started to cry and Martha pulled her into a hug. They were joined by Alexis seconds later. 'Family', Kate thought  
>as they clung to one another for support, she could get used to this.<p>

"I need you two to do something else for us," she asked when they finally broke apart.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She gave him some time to cool down and to think about what he'd done before she knocked on his door.

"Rick, it's me. Can you let me in please?"

The 'no reply' worried her more than a 'no' would have.

"I kept my word and I didn't tell them. I sent them to a hotel for the evening so you and I could have some time alone.  
>Pease let me in."<p>

Still no response.

"Would it help if I said I was naked?"

The door creaked slowly open moments later. He peeked out from behind the door.

"You're not naked."

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"I'm naked under my clothes," she smirked at his darkened features behind the door

"Dammit," he cursed, she could always win, whenever she wanted to. He opened the door all the way.

"You still don't play fair."

"Yeah, well you better get used to it if you plan on keeping me around."

He pulled her to him and rested his chin on the top of her head. "I plan on keeping you around for a long, long time.  
>That's if I can keep myself from scaring you off that is."<p>

"Get this through your thick head once and for all, I'm-not-going-anywhere, ever. No, wait…I take that back, I am  
>going somewhere."<p>

He was scared to ask. "Where?"

"I am going with you back to your place in the Hamptons. So pack up you stuff and let's go."

"What? We just got back from there."

"Sorry Castle, it's been decided; you're not allowed back into the house until you deal with your problem."

"Not allowed back home? I thought you didn't tell them."

"I didn't. All I said was that I was going to help you with what was going on and that I wouldn't bring you home  
>till things were better, and they agreed. You scared them Rick. Having them see you like that and not knowing<br>why, it's so much worse than if they did know, and I know you don't believe me, but you will, one day. Until then,  
>it's time for us to get to work."<p>

"Work, what do you mean work? Do you have a new case already?"

"Yes, it's you. You're my new case. I stopped by work and put in for the month's worth of vacation that I've accrued.  
>If they won't let me take it all at once, I'll put in for emergency leave, and if that doesn't work then I'll just quit."<p>

"You'll quit? Kate, that's your life; you love your job!"

"Don't you understand? I finally get it, my life is more important than my mother's death, and your life is more  
>important than my stupid job. I love you Rick, not my job, I love you more."<p>

He was blown away. "Wow."


	23. Forgetting the Socks

_Authors Note: Once again I find that I still cannot get to the epilogue without another chapter. _  
><em>I hope you all enjoy it. And yes, <strong>tiff098765<strong>, you were right when you said you could see three_  
><em>more chapters. I will never doubt your wisdom again.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Forgetting the Socks<strong>

They arrived back in the Hamptons as the sun was setting. He had her stop at a grocery  
>store in town so that they could grab some provisions to hold them over till a proper trip<br>to the store could be arranged. Kate pushed the shopping cart as they loaded up on the  
>basics. Finishing up in the dairy aisle, she popped the lid on a carton of eggs to check for<br>cracks and when she looked back up he was gone…again. He had already disappeared  
>on her once, only to return with a half gallon of Rocky Road ice cream and a bottle of<br>chocolate syrup. Now what? Was she going to have to buy one of those harnesses with  
>the cord that attaches to her wrist to help keep track of him every time they went shopping?<br>She set the carton in the basket and headed for the half and half. She finished up and was  
>turning the corner to head to the checkout stand when he reappeared and dropped a box<br>of Twinkies and a box of Moon Pies into the basket. She looked at the boxes and then up at him.

"This isn't some kind over sleepover where we stay up all night and eat junk food."

"I'm aware of that; it's just that I don't keep this stuff at home. The only time I let myself  
>indulge is when I'm on vacation here in the summer."<p>

She just stared at his logic.

"And this is not a vacation," he replied to her stare. He pulled the box of Moon Pies out  
>of the cart and stuffed them into a bagel display at the end of the aisle and walked off to<br>the front of the store. She followed him, but not before she pulled the box out of the  
>display and dropped it back into the cart. When he turned around at the register the help<br>her unload, he couldn't help but notice the Moon Pies. As they leaned in together to pull  
>things out of the cart, he kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you."<p>

She smiled up at him as she tossed a bag of coffee onto the conveyor. "I don't want to be  
>the one to ruin your summer before it ever starts."<p>

It was dark by the time they left the store but finding the house at night was remarkably easy.  
>The driveway was lit by a succession of solar lighting and the front porch was already aglow<br>with its light switched on by a timer. Kate parked in front of the house and they began unloading  
>plastic bags from the store. Rick unlocked the front door and held it open for her to enter. She<br>stepped inside and was mesmerized by what she saw. The inside had the same effect on  
>everyone the first time they entered. He just smiled as she stood there with her mouth open.<p>

"Come on," he moved on past her. "The kitchen is this way." She followed him down a darkened  
>hallway towards the back of the house. He slowed his pace and came to a halt and she heard<br>him fumble for a light switch; he flicked it on.

She just had to comment. "This place is so surreal. It feels like I've stepped back in time."

"You like it."

"I love it. Was this place like this when you bought it?"

"God no, this place was a disaster when I bought it. I've tried to have it restored to the way it  
>would have looked in the 1920's. The kitchen and the master bath were the only rooms I took<br>exception. Everything else though, from the carpet to the wallpaper to the furniture is either  
>original to or a reproduction from the 20's." He set his bags down on the kitchen's island and<br>she did the same.

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you, I think so too."

They put away the perishables and returned to the car to unload the rest. Between everything  
>already in the car from her place and what they had added from his, his car was packed to<br>overflowing and it took quite a few trips to unload everything into the foyer. The pile in the hallway  
>brought back memories for Kate.<p>

"This reminds me of when I moved into my dorm room at college."

"Not me," Rick stood with his hands on his hips surveying the pile. "I don't think I had much more  
>than a suitcase full of clothes. I had a scholarship but I didn't have two nickels to rub together<br>back then. Some of the guys finally took pity on me and gave me some sheets and a pillow for my bed."

"And look at you now."

"Yeah, well 'dems da breaks'."

She swatted him in the belly with the back of her hand. "Come on; show me the rest of this dump so  
>we can put these things away."<p>

They each grabbed a suitcase and he led her up a staircase just off the foyer.

There were four bedrooms and a bath upstairs. The master bedroom had its own private bath and  
>all the rooms were furnished with period furniture. He offered her the choice of any room she desired<br>and he headed off to the master suite at the end of the hall. He dropped his suitcase down on the  
>bed and when he turned to head downstairs for more of his stuff he found her standing in his room<br>with her suitcase in her hand.

"Is there room for my stuff in here?"

"Uh, yeah…sure." He hadn't expected that. "I'll just go get the rest of the stuff and you can settle in."

It took about six trips up and down the stairs before everything was brought up. He had to lie down  
>on the bed for a breather after lugging up what he thought had to be about three hundred pounds worth<br>of stuff.

"What's the matter Rick, the Stairmaster wear you out?"

"Hey, you get to carry all this stuff down when we leave. Wait! Down is way more easier than up."

"Too bad!" She called out as she disappeared into the bathroom to put away her toiletries. When she came  
>back out a few minutes later, he was gone. What was with his disappearing act? She went downstairs to<br>see of maybe he'd forgotten something. The foyer was empty so she headed to the kitchen. She found him  
>in there pacing the floor with a spoon in is hand. He never noticed that she'd entered the room, so she spoke up.<p>

"Everything ok?"

"Oh…yeah. I was just trying to decide if I wanted a Moon Pie or some ice cream."

She could tell he wasn't telling the whole truth but she decided not to press him.

"How about some ice cream?" She sat down in one of the bar stool nestled along the front of the island.

They ate ice cream and chatted more about his house and the remodeling that was done. An hour later he  
>caught her trying to suppress a yawn.<p>

"I guess that means were not staying up late and eating more junk food?"

"No, it just means I'm winding down." She glanced at her watch. "Besides, its still early, it's only a little after nine."

"Did you finish getting settled in upstairs?"

"Almost." She slid off the barstool. "I could really go for a shower." She ran her hands through her hair.  
>"I haven't been able to wash my hair for a couple of days and I'm starting to feel a little funky."<p>

'Why don't you go ahead? I'll clean up down here and then I'll do a quick walk through of the rest of the house.  
>I always like to check on everything when I arrive."<p>

She squeezed his arm. "When you're done down here you need to get upstairs and unpack your things before  
>they become permanently wrinkled."<p>

"I'll be there soon enough."

Every time she left and he found himself alone, the noise in his head would become louder. He needed to drown  
>it out. He pulled his iPhone from his pocket and pulled up his playlist. The sound from the speaker wasn't loud<br>enough. Where the hell were his earbuds? He thought a moment and remembered he always kept a set in the  
>glove compartment of his car. He hurried outside and retrieved them, shoving them in his ears before he was back<br>inside the house. It worked. The music drowned out the noise and he was able to finish cleaning up the kitchen  
>and make his inspection of the house. After he was done, he stood at the bottom of the stairs hesitant to go up.<br>How was he going to tell her? He trudged up the stairs and stopped outside the doorway. He could hear the  
>shower still running in the bathroom. He walked over to the bed, pulled his suitcase off and set it on the floor.<br>He gathered up the rest of his bags and waited.

When she emerged ten minutes later, Kate was worried by what she saw. His eyes were closed and he was  
>engrossed in the loud music that she could hear coming from his earbuds.<p>

Even with his eyes closed he knew when she entered the room. That wonderful aroma that he had inadvertently  
>commented on years ago filled the air, and he opened his eye to see her standing there barefoot, in a fluffy pink<br>bathrobe towel drying her hair. She looked worried. He quickly turned off the music and popped out the ear buds.

"You ok?" He asked.

"That's what I was going to ask you? What's with the loud music?"

"I needed a distraction…from the noise. It comes back when it gets too quiet."

She walked over to were he was sitting and caressed his face. "I'm sorry."

He pulled her hand away but held on to it. She was looking at his luggage sitting on the floor next to him.

"You haven't unpacked? What's going on?" She didn't like the implications his ensuing sigh conveyed.

"I can't stay here Kate."

"What? You can't leave; I thought you agreed to this."

He stood up suddenly and began pacing the floor like he had been in the kitchen.

"I knew I was going to fuck this up," he mumbled to himself, but still loud enough for her to hear.

"What's going on, just tell me."

"I can't stay here…with you in this room Kate…not without…" He wanted to say it, he did, but he was afraid he  
>would be asking too much too soon.<p>

She walked over to where he had stopped and confronted him. "Without what, Rick?"

He met her gaze but he still struggled to reply. She knew she was going to have to answer for them both.  
>Dropping her towel, she moved to him and put her hands on his waist. "Without this?" She took hold of his<br>shirt and pulled it loose from his jeans. She saw his eyes widen in surprise. "Or this?" She brought her hands  
>to his chest and began unbuttoning his shirt.<p>

He grabbed her hands to stop her. "Kate you don't have to…"

"I know I don't have to, I want to. I've wanted to for a long, long time."

With that said, he pulled her into a kiss that he poured his soul into. Kate was amazed how one kiss from this  
>man could make her legs weak, and she found herself clinging to him out of passion and necessity. It<br>was a kiss they never wanted to end, but they both wanted so much more. Rick pulled back and his hand  
>snaked down to the tie at her waist. He pulled it loose. When her bathrobe opened he was surprised to find<br>that she was wearing a sexy red negligee underneath.

"Were you planning on wearing that to sleep in tonight?"

"I planned on wearing it for you. Whether it was still on when I got into bed was another matter."

"What were you…why did you…," he stammered.

"Did you think you were the only one aroused this morning? I just had an easier time of hiding it than you did."

"You knew!"

"Let's just say my leg knew and then the rest of me wanted to see what you'd do about it. And I must say,  
>you were a perfect gentleman."<p>

"Then be warned woman, because that gentleman left the room about ten seconds ago."

"Good, that's just the way I planned it."

"You don't play fair," he breathed in her ear as he leaned in to kiss her neck. His hands reached up and pushed  
>the bathrobe from off her shoulders. It fell to the floor in a soft pile. His hands played with the thin silken straps<br>holding up the only piece of clothing that separated him from her body before they slid down her back, coming to  
>rest on her hips. He waited as her hands moved up and finished the slow torturous job of unbuttoning the front<br>of his shirt. He flinched and closed his eyes when she reached the last button and her hands came into contact  
>with his skin at his stomach for the first time. He savored the sensation as they slid their way up his chest and<br>across his shoulders sliding his shirt from his arms. He released his hold on her long enough to let his shirt join  
>her bathrobe on the floor. He then opened his eyes and fixed them on her.<p>

They had changed again. The day before they had darkened with anger and now…now the blue darkened with a  
>passion that made her ache. He was one to talk about not playing fair. If he only knew what he could do to her<br>with those eyes. His hand reached behind her head and he pulled her in for a kiss as he had once before, only  
>this time with less force and more expectation. Her hands slid around to his back as she tried to pull him even<br>closer. She could feel his arousal as his body pressed against her and it only intensified her need for him.

Rick felt her rub against his straining erection and all he could think about was how badly he needed to get his  
>pants off. His lips never left hers but his hands made quick work of undoing his belt, popping the solitary button<br>and lowering the zipper. He pushed his hands against the denim still holding on to his hips and gravity along with  
>the weight of the spare change and car keys in his pockets did the rest. He kicked out of them before they could<br>hinder him any further.

Kate heard his pants hit the floor with a clatter and she realized how close she was to claiming the prize that she  
>had denied herself for so long. Her body took over as her brain failed her. Her hands were at his waist trying to<br>pull him closer still and her left leg tried to help as it wrapped itself around his right leg. He slid his hand down to  
>lift her leg up higher on his waist and as his hand slid up her leg and he almost gasped when he realized she<br>wasn't wearing any underwear. He kneaded her soft bare flesh, and his left hand reached down to enjoy more of what  
>his right hand was already feeling. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around him. He almost lost it as<br>the heat of her met his throbbing erection, and so he stopped…everything. Just long enough so he could regain  
>his composure.<p>

"Don't stop." She begged into his ear. He released his hold on her and her feet found the floor. "I have to," he replied.  
>Her eyes pleaded 'why?' and he just smiled and placed his hands on her hips. She felt the hem of her negligee begin to slide up.<p>

"I can't let you wear this to bed now can I?" Once he had enough fabric in his hands he pulled it over her head and  
>tossed into the steadily growing pile on the floor.<p>

He stood there in awe. He had teased and fantasized and written, and still it was as she had said when she walked  
>away from him that day in the alley nearly five years ago. He had no idea. He had no idea what to do next. He looked<br>at her, standing naked in front of him, in reverence of something that he had been not allowed to touch for so long  
>and he was unsure if he could do so now. She stepped in closer and her breasts brushed against his chest as she<br>tiptoed up to whisper into his ear. "You can touch me you know." She only had to tell him once.

He pulled her into him, wanting to feel her skin on his as he walked her backwards the last few feet to the bed.  
>It was her turn to stop him, and now he was the one looking confused.<p>

"I think one of us is still overdressed." She glanced down at his boxers and then back up at his eyes. "Oh, sorry,"  
>was all he said as he pulled them off and threw then across the room. "Better?" He asked. She looked down again<br>"Oh yeah, that's...," and then back up to his face. " …impressive." She could have sworn he blushed, but she wanted to  
>make him do more than blush. She reached out and ran her hand down and back up the length of him.<p>

"Oh, shit." The words spilled from his mouth and he couldn't stop them. Kate laughed, but wished she hadn't when  
>she saw the look in his eyes. Whatever control she had over him she just lost. He bent down, grabbing her around<br>the waist and legs he lifted her up and into the bed. He laid her down in the middle and propped himself up just  
>above her on his left elbow and let his eyes roam her body. He avoided touching her, at least not yet. It was her<br>turn to blush. "Kiss me," she pleaded. He ignored her request and continued letting his eyes have all the fun. She  
>put her hand around his neck and pulled herself up to take the kiss he refused to give her. He didn't try to stop her;<br>he enjoyed the kiss and the distraction. Seconds later the sexy moan accompanying her kiss was interrupted by her gasp  
>when his right hand found her left breast. She lost her hold on him and he laughed as her lips pulled away. "Payback's a bitch,"<br>he replied to the shocked look on her face.

She had every intention of replying to his smug remark, but when his mouth replaced his hand she lost her train of  
>thought. 'Oh my god', seemed to be the only words her brain could access at the moment, and when his hand moved<br>to that warm wet place between her legs, all she could think about was his mouth and his hand and what they were  
>doing to her. "Oh my god", the words forced their way out. Did she just say that out loud? And how long had her<br>hands been on his head, clenched in his hair? She really didn't care, because his mouth just found her other breast  
>and his hand had her on the brink. A loud moan escaped him as her cry of pleasure and her shuddering orgasm<br>filled his senses.

He had to be there. He needed to slide himself into the wonderful warm wetness that he had been feeling. He  
>moved his hand and pushed her leg aside to make room as he climbed between her legs. She spread them<br>further and eagerly reached down to guide him inside. He didn't hesitate. Their eyes were locked as they both  
>reacted to the sensation of him sliding deep inside. She watched as he closed his eyes and he breathed her name.<br>"Kate." The look on his face overwhelmed her and she had to close her eyes as tears slipped out. She felt his hand  
>caressing her face and she opened her eyes.<p>

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy." She smiled up at him and put her hand to his face as reassurance. She was happy;  
>it was just…she had never experienced lovemaking and love at the same time before and it was more than she<br>could have ever imagined. It made her want him more. She pushed herself into his hips and he groaned with  
>pleasure. He answered her request and began to meet her rythm.<p>

He had panicked when he opened his eyes saw her tears. What did he do? When she had smiled and told him  
>she was happy he was relieved. All he ever wanted to do was make her happy. That was his last coherent<br>thought, because when she thrust against him, the sensation of being inside her brought back his intense desire.  
>He could only groan and continue what she had started, and once he started, he found he couldn't stop. Years<br>of repressed desire, fantasy, lust and love sent him over the edge and he felt like his whole being was trying to  
>push itself inside her. "Uhhhh!" It was over almost before it ever started<p>

His movement stopped and he hovered above her with his eyes closed lost in preserving the sensation that  
>was beginning to fade. When he opened his eyes he saw that hers were still closed. The contented smile on<br>her face made her glow. "Wow," he said. "That was…," she opened her eyes at his unfinished sentence and  
>she just had to help him finish it. Funny thing was, they finished it together.<p>

"Quick," they both blurted out.

Their ensuing laughter caused him to slip out of her. "Ooh", he winced. That caused them to laugh even harder.  
>He rolled off her to the left as their laugter continued..<p>

"Ah, I think we waited too long," she commented as their laughter died down.

He slid his left hand over and rubbed it across her belly. "We'll just have to have a do over."

"Sorry Castle, you seem to have forgotten…I'm a one and done kind of a gal. And you've had your one,"  
>she teased and tossed his hand off her stomach.<p>

He rolled back onto his left side to meet her smiling eyes.

"That is not what you meant, Detective, and you know it."

She rolled over onto her right side to face him and propped her head up with her hand as she leaned on her elbow.  
>"Well I do know one thing."<p>

"And what is that? He smirked at her smugness.

"The socks are definitely a turn off."

He glanced down at his feet and saw that he had never removed his socks. He sat up, yanked them off and  
>tossed them into the pile on the floor.<p>

"What socks? He asked, wiggling his toes.

* * *

><p><em>A prize to anyone that notices the small nod to "The Waitress" in this chapter. <em>


	24. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

In spite of an incredible 'do over' the following morning, things were far from rosy. Rick  
>wanted to deal with his problem the same way he had years before, on his own and<br>with time. Kate had to fight him on this. Three days later it took the guilt of another  
>angry outburst and a smashed coffee cup before he agreed to see a therapist. After<br>some research and a few phone calls they had an appointment scheduled for ten  
>o'clock Friday morning.<p>

Friday morning was a bitch for Kate. It took multiple attempts to roust him out of bed.  
>She pulled the covers down, twice. He pulled them back up. She finally pulled off the<br>covers and dragged them downstairs. When she heard the shower going she was  
>relieved. An hour later she was knocking on the locked bathroom door telling him he<br>needed to hurry up. When he came out he tromped off to the closet. She sat on the  
>bed and watched as he changed clothes three times. She tried to get him to eat<br>before they left, but he refused, only to change his mind when she said it was time  
>to go. She sighed and he gave up. Grabbing an apple, he headed for the car.<p>

They drove back to the city in silence; if she could call listening to the loud yet muffled  
>music squelching from his ear buds a type of silence. When they arrived, she had to<br>wait in the lobby for him to catch up; she held fast to his hand the rest of the way. In  
>the waiting room she watched as he fidgeted and squirmed in his chair. It wasn't even<br>noon, yet and she felt exhausted. How the hell could worrying about someone take so  
>much out of you? Rick's greeting when he met the doctor was terse and he sank into<br>the office couch where he remained tight lipped for most of the session. Kate did most  
>of the talking. With enough information from her, the doctor was able to ask him yes or<br>no questions to try and draw him into the conversation. By the end of the session Rick  
>had relaxed enough so that he looked like he was sitting on the couch and not trying to<br>hide in it. He was even agreeable to returning for another session with the doctor on  
>the following Monday.<p>

Come Monday he was diagnosis with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) by the doctor.  
>The proposed treatment, called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR),<br>was relatively new to Psychiatry but it has surprisingly quick results. The eight step process  
>would eliminate or greatly reduce the emotional distress that he experienced when<br>remembering his trauma. His bi-weekly therapy sessions, combined with at home relaxation  
>and distraction techniques produced a remarkable improvement by the third week. The<br>sound in his head was gone and he no longer physically relived his memories. They were  
>still there though; at least six or more times a day she would find him with his eyes closed<br>as he used the relaxation techniques he'd learned to help deal with the memories. For a  
>distraction, he began carrying around a small book of Sudoku puzzles in his pocket.<p>

Things were going so well, that during lunch on Saturday afternoon Kate suggested they  
>could probably head back to the loft the following Monday. The change in his mood was<br>abrupt. His anxiety was back and his therapy techniques were forgotten. When she tried  
>to remind him to close his eyes and relax he lashed out and told her to "…quit trying to act<br>like my fuckin' therapist". He was out the back door, slamming it as he stormed off to the  
>pool room where he remained, with the radio blaring for hours. She knew his anger wasn't<br>about her; it was about the fact that they still had not addressed the one lingering problem  
>to his recovery, his relationship with his mother and daughter.<p>

During the weeks they'd been in the Hamptons, Kate had been the one who kept in contact  
>with them. Rick said he wanted to focus on getting better but Kate knew he was avoiding<br>them. She didn't press the issue; she only asked that he text Alexis at least once a day so  
>that she wouldn't feel like he had abandoned her. He agreed to that, and he and Alexis fell<br>into a routine of texting each other in the morning and in the evening. He was always happy  
>to receive her text, but by the time it was over she could tell he was stressed because his eyes<br>always closed as soon as he put his phone down.

She pressed the issue at his therapy session on Monday. Aside from the first visit to the doctor,  
>all the subsequent visits had been one on one with Rick and Kate stayed in the waiting room till<br>his sessions were over. That morning, when he was called into the doctor's office, Kate stood up  
>and barged in ahead of him. Neither of them sat, and the doctor could feel the tension as it bristled<br>between them.

"So, who wants to go first?" The doctor asked.

"We have a problem," Kate blurted out.

Rick's mocking laughter was quick to follow. "We? Why don't you just come out and say it Kate?  
>I have a problem. I'm the one who's all fucked up here!"<p>

"This is not just your problem!" She snapped back at him. "I thought we were a couple? If so,  
>that means what ever affects you affects me."<p>

"Just because you're my girlfriend doesn't give you license to be intrusive." He didn't realize how  
>condescending he sounded.<p>

"Girlfriend?" She rounded on him with her hands on her hips. "Is that all I am? I thought we were  
>past that? And look whose talking about being intrusive; you've been intruding in my life for the<br>past four years!"

"Well if you didn't like it, why didn't you just say something!"

"I believe I did! Several times, in fact!"

He had no reply to that truth, and so there they stood, glaring at one another.

The doctor was the next one to speak. "Why don't you two both have a seat so that we can  
>discuss what's going on here?"<p>

They both sat down…on opposite ends of the couch.

Rick avoided all eye contact and fidgeted in his seat as Kate spilled the beans to the doctor, who  
>was less than pleased that this issue had been kept hidden. It represented a setback to his<br>therapy. When the doctor said that family sessions would be needed Rick jumped up from his  
>seat like he was going to bolt from the room. He paced the room instead. The doctor reiterated<br>the importance of family sessions and insisted that his therapy could not continue without them.  
>Rick reluctantly agreed, and when he sat back down on the couch it was to sit next to Kate. He<br>was relieved when she reached for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He was relieved  
>that she still cared after his stupid outburst, and he hoped her love would be enough, because he<br>knew for sure that when his daughter found out what he'd done she would never be able to forgive him.

The night before his session on Wednesday, Kate called his mother and told her she needed to  
>come. Martha had been anticipating and dreading this call. She knew there was more going on<br>than she'd been told. Truthfully, she didn't want to know. Her guilt already had her drinking  
>herself to sleep every night, how could she possibly cope with anything more? How could he?<br>She never slept that night. She spent the evening in his office, sitting at his desk, looking at his  
>accomplishments neatly stacked on his bookshelves. She wondered how he ever managed to<br>survive without having a father, and having a mostly absent, frequently drunken two bit actress  
>as a mother. Tears plagued her most of the night, but she never drank the scotch and soda she<br>held in her hand for comfort. Hours later, when the sun poked its way through the windows, she  
>poured the watery drink down the kitchen sink and set about getting ready for the meeting that<br>wouldn't come for another five hours. Her nerves had her arriving at the doctor's office an hour  
>early. The receptionist brought her a cup of decaff from the back and she nursed it while she<br>waited. Forty five minutes later she nearly spilled what was left into her lap when her son came  
>through the door. She hastily set the cup down and pulled him into a hug. She knew she would<br>cry when she saw him again, but the reason for her tears surprised her. She thought they would  
>be caused from the guilt she carried. Instead, they came from seeing him after nearly a month<br>apart. She pulled away and dabbed her tears.

"I'm sorry," she said fanning at her face. "I'm just so happy to see you."

Rick pulled her back into another hug. "I missed you too."

Those four words brought back her guilt and a new flood of tears.

Kate reached out and squeezed his arm and the pained look her gave her told her all he really  
>wanted to do was run…but he stayed. He knew that if he ran he could never go home, and as<br>he held his mother he realized how much he really did miss her. Running was no longer an option,  
>but he was afraid he would lose her anyway when she found out he had tried to kill himself all<br>those years ago. He would surely lose her somewhere at the bottom of a bottle. He began to  
>second guess himself and the doctor. Maybe he should just leave? He didn't have time to follow<br>through on his thought; the receptionist appeared and called them into the office. Kate sent them  
>on in while she waited outside.<p>

It went about as bad as he had expected. Her tears and self recrimination became so heart  
>wrenching that it wasn't until he started crying that she was able to stop. She realized her<br>guilt was selfish. He was the one who was hurting and her tears were only making him feel  
>worse. She moved in close to him on the couch and pulled him into her. He cried on her<br>shoulder as he kept apologizing for what he did.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean it, I was just angry and I didn't know what else to do. I wanted you  
>to come find me, but it was too late…and I couldn't undo it…and I'm sorry."<p>

It was her turn to apologize. "And I'm sorry for being such a crappy mother. You always had  
>to be the adult when you should have been just a kid." She managed a little laugh. "Maybe<br>that explains why you act like a twelve year old sometimes, you're trying to recapture your  
>lost childhood."<p>

He had to laugh too as he leaned back and wiped the tears away. "What do I need a therapist  
>for when I have you?"<p>

"Beats me kiddo."

They had both survived the worst, but one session could not repair their individual guilt that they  
>carried. That would come with time. The doctor recommended that Martha come in for private<br>sessions of her own and she readily agreed. She wasn't about to let her son down, not a second  
>time.<p>

It was around one o'clock when they left the doctor's office and they stopped for a quick bite to  
>eat before heading home. After lunch, the combination of the warm weather, the stress of the day<br>and the heavy meal had both Rick and Martha nodding off in the car five minutes down the road.  
>Kate smiled. One down, one to go.<p>

When they arrived home she sent them both off to bed. Martha looked like she had aged another  
>ten years and Rick didn't look much better. He wanted Kate to join him but she begged off saying<br>that she wasn't tired. She really wanted to be the one to greet Alexis when she came home. The  
>note they found to her grandmother on the counter said she was off shopping with her friends and<br>that she would be home by five at the latest, it was already three. Alexis was going to be a little  
>surprised to find her dad there and also a little pissed to find out where her grandmother went<br>without telling her this morning. Kate was a little surprised herself to find out that neither of them  
>had told her a thing, especially since she was the most mature person in their family. She was<br>determined to give the girl the respect and honesty she deserved.

She was bent over rummaging in the crisper drawer of the fridge looking for some idea of what to  
>make for dinner when Alexis came home. From the living room she thought Kate was her grandmother.<p>

"Hey Grams, how was your day?"

They were both startled. Kate hadn't heard her come in and Alexis was shocked when she spun around  
>to face her and slammed the refrigerator door in her surprise.<p>

"Kate!, what are you doing here?"

"Um…I…"

"Is my dad here?"

'…yes, but..."

She turned to go find him so Kate spoke up.

"Alexis, wait!"

Kate's plea stopped her in her tracks, something wasn't right. She turned around and looked warily at her.

This was not going right. "Can you have a seat?" Kate asked as she motioned to one of the bar stools.  
>"I need to talk to you about a few things."<p>

She sat, but she was ill at ease. "What's going on?"

"That's what I want to talk to you about." Kate took a deep breath and sat down in the empty chair next to Alexis.

"You know that you Grandmother and your dad love you very much."

Alexis shook her head in agreement.

"Well, sometimes that love causes them to do the wrong thing for the right reason. You just need to  
>understand that they are only trying to protect you, because no matter how old you are, you will<br>always be a little girl to them. I know you're not, so I want you to know what happened today."

"What happened?"

"This morning, your grandmother and your dad had a joint therapy session…"

"Why didn't they tell me?"

"Well, you may hate me for saying this, but it's none of your business. They are two adults who need  
>to be left alone to deal with a very personal and private matter. And before you get too indignant with<br>me, your turn is on Friday."

"What?"

"You're going with your dad to a therapy session on Friday. Today was a difficult day for him. Both he  
>and your grandmother were emotionally exhausted and have been asleep since we got back two<br>hours ago, and as bad as today was, talking to you on Friday will only be worse, so trust me when  
>I say this, you're not as grown up as you think you are…none of us are. I just want you to be prepared<br>…I need you to understand that life is not all rainbows and unicorns…"

"I'm not a child!"

"Yeah, well we're all children until life smacks us upside the head for the first time." Kate's sarcasm  
>wasn't lost on Alexis but it had her worried.<p>

"You're starting to scare me Kate."

"I'm sorry, that's not what I'm trying to do here, I just care about you and I don't want you to be  
>blindsided by what's going on with your dad."<p>

"Why don't you tell me then?"

"As much as I want to, I can't. He said had to do this for himself and for you, so be patient for one more day.  
>And take it easy on both of them when they wake up, I don't think they can deal with any more drama<br>today, ok?"

"Don't worry Kate; I'll do what's best for everybody."

"There you go again," Kate smiled and nudged her elbow. "…acting like a grownup."

Alexis laughed and gave her a hug.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The reunion when her dad woke up was a happy one. The conversations stayed superficial and preparing  
>dinner along with the cheesy comedy they watched afterwards kept everyone's attention off the elephant<br>in the room. That was until the next day, when the superficial conversation ran dry and the elephant began  
>flailing itself around in the middle of the living room floor as it tried to take an imaginary mud bath. Alexis<br>begged off for a few hours claiming she had a date with Ashley. He was out of town for the weekend but  
>she needed a reason to leave for a while. Kate needed to get away too and she thought of a perfect reason.<p>

She came up behind Rick as he sat on the couch. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed  
>him on the cheek. "I think I'm going to run back to the Hamptons and collect some of our things. Most of<br>my stuff is there and I'm going to need my things."

"I'll come with you."

He started to get up but she pushed him back down. "No, you stay here and take it easy, besides, I'm  
>suppose to carry everything down remember."<p>

He laughed and let her go. He knew they needed some time apart and he needed some time alone with  
>his mother. Kate dialed Alexis' number as she headed down to the parking garage.<p>

"Hey." Alexis answered.

"Hey yourself, where are you at?"

"Um…I'm at the mall with Ashley."

"So, would you rather stay on your _date_ with Ashley, or would you like to ride with me out to the Hamptons  
>to pick up some of my stuff?"<p>

"How did you know?"

'I needed to get away too, so you comin' or what?"

"I'm coming. You can pick me up at the little deli around the corner."

They were both still laughing when Kate picked her up five minutes later.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The time apart was the best thing for everybody. After an awkward fist hour of their rip, Kate and Alexis found  
>something to talk about when Alexis turned on the radio. They talked about songs, music and their favorite<br>bands. Kate was soon transported back to her days as a teenager and she lowered her guard and began to  
>talk about her first boyfriend and her days in high school. When they arrived back at the loft six hours later<br>they were giggling like a pair of best friends when they burst through the door. The shocked looks on Rick and  
>Martha's face sent them into further fits of laughter. Kate did her best to cover for Alexis.<p>

"Guess who I found downstairs?"

"Me!" Alexis yelled out, and they started laughing again.

Rick gave both of his girls a kiss and he headed back down with Kate to help unload the car. He began to suspect  
>what had happened when he noticed the two empty sodas in the cup holders and Alexis's favorite candy wrappers<br>littering the passenger seat.

"Date with Ashley, huh?" He looked over to Kate as he waved one of the candy wrappers at her. She snagged  
>it from his hand.<p>

"Hey, leave her alone. We all needed a break today."

He grabbed her hand with the wrapper and pulled her into a kiss. "I know, I'm glad you guys had a good time."

"I'm sorry I ran off on you too, so how was your day?"

"Actually, it wasn't that bad. We talked some more. She cried some more. But we got through it ok. We were  
>watching a movie when you came in."<p>

The movie was forgotten as everyone pitched in to help with the luggage. Rick and Kate lugged everything to  
>the elevator and Alexis rode up and unloaded it all into the hallway. Martha carried some of the smaller bags<br>inside and they were soon all carrying the last of it into the loft. Kate disappeared into Rick's bedroom to start  
>putting her things away and Rick cornered his daughter in the kitchen as she took a pop from the fridge.<p>

"Are you ok with Kate staying here?"

"Sure dad, she and I already talked about it on the drive to…," Alexis slapped her hand over her mouth. Rick  
>just smiled at her flub and pulled her into a hug.<p>

"It's ok; you left all your incriminating evidence in the car."

Alexis and Martha both left them alone and headed to their rooms for the night.

"She outed herself," Rick commented to Kate as he returned to the bedroom to help her unpack.

"I figured she would. She may be smart, but she's not too bright. I think she gets that from you."

"Hey! I resemble that remark!"

She laughed and threw a pair of balled up socks from her suitcase at him. She then threw several pairs of  
>underwear at him, followed by a bra and a slinky nightgown. He began making space in his dresser for the<br>things she's thrown at him and she watched as he started to daintily fold her things before placing them  
>in the drawer.<p>

She waited just long enough before she spoke up. "Yep, he's smart but he ain't too bright."

He looked back over his shoulder and saw that she had undressed and was lying on his bed dressed only  
>in her matching bra and panties. He grabbed the rest of her garments from atop the dresser and shoved<br>them in the drawer. "All done," he said as his eyes roamed her body.

"Yeah, well I'm not," she teased.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The good day and night went a long way in helping to displace some of his anxiety about Friday morning's  
>session with Alexis. He was cheerful at breakfast and even upbeat on the drive over. He quieted down on<br>the walk from the parking garage, and held her hand tightly in the elevator. Alexis noticed his mood change  
>and her anxiety also increased. Kate had to give him a tug out of the elevator and by the time they arrived<br>outside the door to the doctor's office, she had to shove them both inside. His left leg began to bounce  
>nervously as they waited and the worry on Alexis's face began to grow. Kate reached down and stilled his<br>jitters with a hand to his knee. "Thanks," he said. Seconds later he was biting his thumbnail.

When the receptionist called for them, Rick tried to pull Kate along too. She pried her hand loose from his  
>and gave him a hug. "You can do this," she whispered into his ear before kissing him on the cheek and<br>shoving him through yet another door. The fear on Alexis' face when she turned back and to look at Kate  
>one last time nearly broke her heart. All she could do now was wait and hope for the best.<p>

The plan had been for Rick to be the one to tell his daughter what had happened and the doctor would help  
>guide the session if needed. The plan quickly went out the window. He began to hyperventilate and kept<br>sputtering, "…I can't…I can't." The doctor quickly calmed him by initiating the therapy techniques used during  
>their sessions. After he had calmed his anxiety, he stole a quick look at his daughter. The fear and confusion<br>in her eyes broke his resolve. He leaned in and whispered to the doctor.

"I can't do this. I know I should be the one to tell her, but I can't."

"I told you at your last session, you don't have to be the one to tell her, as long as someone does that's all  
>that matters."<p>

"I'll be right back." He jumped up from the couch and went back into the waiting room.

Kate was surprised when the door flew open and Rick came out. He knelt down before her and held her hands.

"I couldn't tell her. I tried, but I can't. I couldn't breathe and then I panicked and I started to hyperventilate  
>again before I almost lost it. I know I'm asking a lot, but would you tell her for me, please, I can't put this off<br>again because I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her if I do. She trusts you and I don't want the doctor to  
>be the one to do it."<p>

He expected her to be scared or even angry at his request but he never expected her to laugh. She took  
>his face in her hands and locked her eyes on to his.<p>

"Jesus Rick, do I really have to get down on one knee. What part of for better or for worse don't you understand,  
>you don't even have to ask because when I told you I was all in, it didn't mean with exceptions." She leaned in<br>to kiss the dumbfounded look off his face.

"You were serious?"

She stood and pulled him to his feet. "Yep, smart, but not too bright." She held tight to his hand and led him back  
>into the room.<p>

Kate noticed the look of relief on Alexis' face when she walked into the room. She sat Rick down next to his  
>daughter and grabbed a chair from in front of the doctor's desk positioned it in front of them. Kate was<br>nervous but determined as she sat down. She couldn't just blurt it out so she decided to start where it all  
>began, with that day at the precinct.<p>

"This all started with a case I was working on while your dad was out of town last month. A young boy's  
>body was found in a dumpster behind the theatre district. He had been sexually assaulted and murdered.<br>When your dad came into the precinct he recognized a picture of one of the suspects and he became so  
>upset that he ran off." Mentioning that her dad had tried to kill someone was off the table. "I went to your<br>home to look for him but he wasn't there. Your grandmother was, so I asked her if she ever knew the  
>suspect. She did. Your grandmother had been engaged to him when your dad was just a boy. He even<br>lived with them for a time."

Kate waited for the information to sink in and glanced over at Rick; he tried to look blank faced and stoic.  
>When she looked back at Alexis there were tears in her eyes. She reached for her dad's hand and<br>held it tight. He kept his gaze focused on the floor as his brow furrowed and his jaw began to tremble.  
>She hated to continue, but she had promised him.<p>

"But that's not what this is all about. The reason your dad ran off that day was the same reason for the  
>attack he had at your house last month. He remembered something he did as a boy that was so traumatic<br>he couldn't deal with it, physically or emotionally." Kate's own tears welled up when she spoke again.  
>"Your dad was only a thirteen year old boy when he tried to kill himself. He tried to hang himself but all he<br>succeeded in doing was torturing himself as he hung there till he passed out."

"Oh my god. Dad!"

He pulled his hand from hers and hid his face..

"I'm sorry." He began to cry. "I didn't mean it, I would never hurt you. I just didn't know. I didn't know."  
>He shook his head and looked up into his daughters tearful eyes. He reached up to touch her face and to<br>beg her forgiveness.

"I'm so sorry. I know you must hate me, but I'm so sorry for what I tried to do to you."

Alexis was at a loss as to what he was talking about and she looked to Kate for answers. She was just  
>as confused and looked to the doctor. The doctor seemed to know what was happening and motioned<br>for her to keep him talking. She took hold of the hand still in his lap.

"You didn't do anything to her Rick, she's right here and she's fine."

He yanked his hand from her grasp and was forced to his feet by the unaddressed anger that burst forth.  
>"What do you mean I didn't do anything? I tried to kill my own fuckin' daughter! What kind of a dad does<br>that make me, can you tell me that?"

Alexis was frightened by her dad's outburst, but Kate jumped in his face to confront him.

"You didn't try to kill her Rick, you tried to kill yourself."

"Same difference! I almost destroyed my mother, my daughter and the last thirty years of my life Kate,  
>I almost destroyed us! Now tell me what kind of a man could do that. Who could possibly love a man like that?"<p>

Kate was shocked by the revelation when it emerged. None of what had happened since that day at the  
>precinct had been about what happened to him. It was all about what his actions had almost done to the<br>ones he loved.

Kate held his face again, she held tighter when he tried to pull away.

"A lost, scared, and confused thirteen year old boy tried to do that Rick, not the man I've come to know  
>and love. Not you." Her words barley lessened the anger in his eyes. She knew she was going to have<br>to go for broke.

"You're really going to make me do this aren't you?" When she saw a flicker of confusion in his eyes at  
>what she said, she knew she had a chance. She took hold of his hand and dropped down on one knee.<p>

"Richard Castle, would you _finally_ make an honest woman of me by marrying me and making me your wife,  
>for better or for worse, and for as long as we both shall live?"<p>

His reply said one thing while his eyes said another. "Dammit woman, I can't possibly marry you now!" He growled.

"And why not?" She smirked at the twinkle in his eye.

"Because you just stole my scene."

The doctor laughed and Alexis was more confused than ever.

"What just happened?" She asked.

'I think I just deflated your dad's ego when I asked him to marry me."

She looked at her dad and then back at Kate. "Was that for real?"

"I don't know Alexis? It's the third time I've asked him and he still hasn't answered me yet."

They both stared at him.

"Yes, ok! Yes, I'll marry you! Jeez, you make me court you for four years and now you  
>decide to get impatient."<p>

Alexis sprang from the couch and embraced her dad. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"This may sound weird dad, but I'm sorry for you and I'm happy for you."

"That's ok sweetie, nothing can surprise me anymore."

"Are you sure about that?" Kate arched an eyebrow at him.

"What do you mean?"

"God, you're slow."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Two weeks later Kate sat at her desk before the morning shift change and pondered the  
>changes about to take place in her life. She had been dying to tell Lanie and the boys the<br>news, but the right opportunity never seemed to present itself.

"Just tell them, it's that easy." Rick had been growing frustrated with her excuses.

"It's not that easy and you know it. We're always working. What am I suppose to say. Hey  
>Lanie what's the vic's time of death and oh by the way…"<p>

"Yeah, well if you won't I will."

"Don't you dare!"

He dropped it and she went back to waiting for the right moment. The moment came when  
>she least expected it.<p>

Her mind had wandered and the morning shift change had come and gone. She looked across  
>the room and saw that Ryan and Esposito were sitting at their desks staring at her.<p>

"What?" She called out.

"We were wondering the same thing ourselves." Esposito spoke up to be heard across the room.  
>"You seemed kind of space out there for a moment."<p>

"Haven't you ever seen anybody thinking before, I was thinking."

"Hey, whatever?" Esposito replied.

"Don't you two have paperwork you need to finish?" She was always pulling the paperwork card  
>out when she needed to cover an awkward moment and she wondered if they ever noticed.<p>

Esposito pulled up a stack of folders and was beginning to sort through them when his phone  
>vibrated with a text message. He was surprised when he saw it was from Castle. No one had<br>see or spoken to him since he'd run out of the precinct almost two months ago. Kate said that  
>he wanted to wait till the IA investigation was over, but they suspected other reasons.<p>

What he read on his phone was baffling. _Get Lanie upstairs ASAP and keep quiet. I have a surprise  
>none of you will want to miss. <em>He showed the text to Ryan.

"Well you better hurry up and call her. If she misses whatever it is she'll be pissed."

He took off to the bathroom and returned a minute later.

"She's on her way, but not before asking me a million questions. I finally had to hang up on her."

"Dude."

"What?"

"Not a smart idea."

An irate Lanie came barreling down the back hallway the same time the elevator opened across  
>the room. Castle had arrived. Esposito quickly waved his hand across his neck to stop Lanie from<br>charging in on the scene. She caught the gesture and waited around the corner till it was safe to  
>sneak over to their desks. They watched and waited as Castle came to a stop in front of Kate's<br>desk. They could see she was surprised as they were to see him.

"Good morning detective." He played his usual banter for anyone within earshot.

"Castle, what are you doing here?"

Neither of them saw Lanie zip across the hall and crouch down behind Esposito's desk.

"I missed our mornings here, and I'm sure you missed this." He held out her coffee.

"What are you doing, you know I quit drinking coffee," she hissed. "Are you just trying to torture me?"

"Oh come on, I couldn't show up without your coffee, besides, it's decaff."

She stuck out her tongue and made a face at the word decaff. Rick took the second to sneak a peek  
>at Ryan and Esposito and he could see Lanie's head bobbing behind Esposito's desk. Showtime!<p>

He set the coffee down on her desk and it was a moment before Kate noticed the small velvet box  
>he'd placed next to it. When she did notice, she scooped it up with both her hands as if she was<br>trying to hide it.

"Rick, what do you think you're doing?" She glared at him.

"I'm doing what you couldn't." He smiled smugly back at her glare.

She set the box back down on her desk and nervously moved it around before she finally opened it.  
>She tried her best not to cry.<p>

"It's beautiful."

"But not as beautiful as the woman who'll wear it." He reached over and pulled the ring from the box.  
>He held her left hand in his and slid the ring onto her finger. When they looked up from the rock on her<br>hand, they noticed that their friends had joined them.

"Yo! Castle," Ryan quipped. "You were supposed to propose when you gave her the ring. Where's the proposal?"

He glanced up sheepishly from his chair. "Sorry guys, she proposed to me first. I'm just supplying the ring."

"When the hell did that happen?" Lanie demanded.

"About two and a half weeks ago. She said I had to make an honest woman of her, and me, being none to bright,  
>it took me a while to figure out what she meant by that."<p>

Lanie squealed, Kate blushed and Ryan and Esposito looked confused. Castle knew he needed to help the guys out.

"I've already raised one kid on my own and I'm not doing it by myself this time." He lifted Kate's hand to his lips  
>and kissed her ring finger. She blushed again.<p>

Lanie squealed again and ran around the desk and pulled Kate out of her seat and into a hug.  
>"I'm so happy for you two."<p>

Esposito held out his hand to Rick. "Yeah, congratulations bro." As the two shook hands, Ryan  
>couldn't help but point out the obvious.<p>

"You two danced around each other for more than four years, driving us all crazy I might add,  
>and now, in a little over a month you've gone from friendship to relationship and now marriage<br>and a family. You two are nuts."

Everyone looked at Ryan and nobody knew what to say. Rick and Kate were the first to start  
>laughing and soon all their laughter filled the bullpen.<p>

It was Lanie who noticed that sometime during the laughter Kate had started crying.  
>She pulled her into another hug.<p>

"What's wrong girl you should be happy?"

"I am Lanie, more than you could possibly know. It's just…I have something else I need to tell you."  
>She looked over at Ryan and Esposito. "All of you." She reached out for Rick's hand; she couldn't do<br>this without him.

"I turned in my resignation this morning. In six more hours, I'll no longer be a cop."

Their silence was worse than any recriminations could have ever been. She hugged Esposito to keep  
>herself from crying. "Besides, you guys don't need me anymore; these last two months have proved<br>that." She had stopped herself from crying, but she made Esposito cry in the process. He was  
>frustrated with his emotions and he brusquely wiped a tear away.<p>

"Dammit Castle, why did you have to go and knock her up?" He may have been joking, but they were  
>all thinking the same thing.<p>

"That's not why I'm leaving guys. There's no rule against being a pregnant detective. It's just…after all  
>that's happened, I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't know if you can understand,<br>but I need something more. Being a wife and mother may not seem like more to you, but it's a start for me."

Lanie was the first to reply. "I don't care what you do, so long as I'm your bridesmaid at your wedding  
>and the godmother of your baby, the rest can sort itself out."<p>

"You guys will be my best men, right?" Rick asked Ryan and Esposito

"Isn't it supposed to be 'best man'?" Ryan asked.

"You want me to choose, I can't do that. How about you two arm wrestle for it."

"Hey, that's so not fair!" Ryan complained.

"Ok, how about we Rock, Paper, Scissors for it?" Esposito offered.

"How about I be the godfather and you be the best man?"

"No way, bro. Best man lasts for a day, godfather lasts for a lifetime."

"Coin toss?"

"Nah…number between one and twenty?"

"Let's draw straws!"

"Yeah, I could go for that."

They looked over at the others and found Rick and Lanie staring in awe at their mindless banter. Kate  
>took the opportunity to roll her eyes at them one last time before she spoke..<p>

"And it's times like this, when I wonder why I didn't quit a long time ago."


End file.
